THE DIVINE STIGMATA
I never thought that I would receive the Stigmata. When I first heard about it it was in relation to the greatest saints who ever lived. I thought of it in awe - as something far away.
But then things came nearer in relation to God. I began to ascend the mystical path of union with Him, and this brought about many graces, most of which I also once thought of in awe and far away. For instance, the betrothal to Christ in January, 1978 where I received three rings of Light from Him.
After that, other phenomenal things happened. I was soon at a point where I could believe that the most incredible things could happen even to me. The Stigmata became less remote, but still a momentous goal. Perhaps it was impossible.
The things that I read about the Stigmata discouraged the idea that anyone should HOPE to attain it. The Priests and teachers with whom I spoke about the Stigmata told me one should never wish for pain, and that the saints never prayed for the Stigmata.
However, in my studies I found that saints did pray for the Stigmata, and reparatory pain was one of the greatest graces one could have and therefore should pray for. I began to suspect that those who cautioned me against it spoke for themselves. It was they who were affraid of pain, they who feared the Stigmata and therefore justified their own aversion toward attaining it.
I dug into the lives of the saints and found the two that I would most follow in this regard: St. Francis of Assisi and St. Gertrude the Great. St. Gertrude, in particular, fascinated me as I found in her the example of exalted wisdom in the love of God. She was one I could follow anywhere, any time. Whereas St. Francis was more difficult to follow because his life was renouncement of all physical things, but St. Gertrude's example focused in on PRAYER. Her style and example of prayer I could follow and did follow vehemently.
Both St. Francis of Assisi and St. Gertrude the Great prayed for the Stigmata. At the time I was ready I opened their books to the appropriate places, underlined them and left them open to be recited daily. I had made a resolution that one way or another God would answer my prayer. Surely I could lose nothing by praying.
It was two or three months after I started praying that it happened. Wonder of wonders, I did not recognize the Stigmata until a month later! I am still shocked that God heard me so quickly, but I have come to believe this, that God is pleased when we are willing to accept sufferings for the sake of love!
I began to recite first this prayer daily in honor of St. Gertrude, which is recommended in her book:
"O most sweet Lord Jesus Christ, I praise, extol and bless Thee, in union with that heavenly praise which the Divine Persons of the Most Holy Trinity mutually render to each other, and which thence flows down upon Thy sacred Humanity, upon the Blessed Virgin Mary and upon all the angels and saints. And I give Thee thanks for all the graces thou didst lavish upon Thy beloved spouse, St. Gertrude. I thank Thee especially for that ineffable love wherewith Thou didst pre-elect her from all eternity, didst enrich her so highly, didst draw her so sweetly to Thyself by the strongest bonds of love, didst unite her so blissfully to Thyself, dwell with such delight in her heart, and crown her life with so blessed an end. I recall to Thee now, O most compassionate Jesus, the promise Thou didst make to Thy beloved spouse, that Thou wouldst most assuredly grant the prayers of all who come to Thee through her merits and intercession, in all matters concerning their salvation. I beseech Thee, by Thy most tender love, grant me the grace OF RECEIVING HER GRACES which I confidently expect. Amen."
I said this prayer daily for one month before reciting the prayer for the Stigmata, and it gave me courage to take the next step.
I also recited St. Francis's prayer at the time of seeking the Stigmata, as follows:
"O Lord Jesus Christ, I entreat you to give me two graces before I die: First, that in my lifetime I may feel in body and soul as far as possible the pain you endured, dear Lord, in the hour of your most bitter suffering; and second, that I may feel in my heart as far as possible that excess of love by which you, o son of God, were inflamed to undertake so cruel a suffering for us sinners."
St. Gertrude's prayer equivalent to that was:
"O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, grant that I may aspire towards Thee with my whole heart, with yearning desire and with thirsting soul, seeking only Thy sweetness and Thy delights, so that my whole mind and all that is within me may ardently sigh to Thee, who art our true Beatitude.
"O MOST MERCIFUL LORD, ENGRAVE THY WOUNDS UPON MY HEART WITH THY MOST PRECIOUS BLOOD, THAT I MAY READ IN THEM BOTH THY GRIEF AND THY LOVE; AND THAT THE MEMORY OF THY WOUNDS MAY EVER REMAIN IN MY INMOST HEART, TO EXCITE MY COMPASSION FOR THY SUFFERINGS AND TO INCREASE IN ME THY LOVE. GRANT ALSO THAT i MAY DESPISE ALL CREATURES, AND THAT MY HEART MAY DELIGHT IN THEE ALONE. AMEN."
It continues in the booklet of St. Gertrude:
"This prayer," writes Gertrude, "pleased me very much. I memorized it and recited it frequently. One afternoon, during the same winter..... I suddenly became conscious that Our Lord had deigned to hear me. I felt, O my God, how Thou didst imprint on my heart Thy adorable Wounds, even as they are on Thy Sacred Body. Not withstanding my exceeding unworthiness, Thy infinite bounty has even to this hour preserved therein the impression."
St. Gertrude's Stigmata was interior; the engraving of Christ's Wounds on the heart, while St. Francis's manifested on the body. It seemed to me that St. Gertrude's grace would be more practical for me, and that it would be beneficial to have the interior grace with all its effects without having the outside Wounds to cripple and incapacitate me.
I wouldn't mind having the outside Wounds, if it were God's will for me, but I don't believe it was at this time.
There is a gap in literature on the subject of this grace. This is one of the reasons I am so anxious to produce this book, to share with all my encounter with the justice of God which inflicts these Wounds. Although I call them Wounds, do not consider them, in my case, as something bleeding and ripped inside. Understand "Wounds" as something metaphysical, but none the less real. Remember that the greatest pain is not physical, but that which is of the heart and soul. The memory of physical pain passes, but the GROWTH which the Stigmata begets never passes, and within this growth there is a capacity for love and pain as never before.
Since I am so hard pressed to explain the phenomenon of this grace, I will have to draw upon another discipline - that of Yoga - to try and explain it. Although it is not a part of Catholic Science, from time to time the Catholic faith does draw into itself other sciences as they come along into our understanding. For instance, technology is now used to explain a lot of things that saints once theorized in religious terms, and even psychology, which studies the mind and has nothing to do with theology is now incorporated into our Catholicism. So I see nothing wrong in bringing into the picture what Hindu Yogis call the Chakras.
THE STIGMATA FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE CHAKRAS
Before I go into the explanation of the chakras I must mention that I knew nothing of them until a short time ago, and so my attainment of the Stigmata had nothing to do with Yoga. Prayer was my only method of attainment, as I mentioned. Since learning about the chakras I think they present worthwhile knowledge which will help us understand the "engraving of Christ's Wounds on the heart."
A WORD OF CAUTION
The book that I take my chakra information out of is Theosophy, so a word of caution about studying non-Catholic books. Extract the good out of them, but spit out the bad, which is their doctrine. No doctrine is without error except the Catholic Faith. There are many books on the market which include Hindu Theology but cloak themselves under different names. For instance, Theosophy as mentioned, the Rosicrucians (supposedly their roots are in Egypt, and perhaps they are. They say they are not a religion but insist upon a doctrine, similar to Hindu.) and besides that many books on metaphysics, mind power, psychic training and the like which for some reason incorporate some of the Hindu beliefs.
So of course, they are teaching that Christ is not God, but merely a prophet (and some of these men lower Christ's teaching to their own limited intelligence!) and Our Blessed Mother isn't venerated at all, which is a monstrosity in my book. They believe in reincarnation, and therefore no Purgatory since, according to there method, the soul is punished for its sins by reincarnating in continuous vessals until it is pure enough to enter heaven.
I say nothing bad about Mr. Leadbeater or his book. He was a true mystic for he studied all his life for the attainment of God. My only difference with him is on points of doctrine.
On the other books I have much to criticize. They promulgate "tricks of the trade" taken out of Yoga and other esoteric teachings, but they are not Yogis or mystics. Both Yogis and mystics have for their true goal the attainment of God AT THE EXPENSE OF ALL ELSE.
Many of these metaphysicisns have Westernized Yoga in this way: "Yoga works, so let's use it in getting all the money and power we want!" And so they pray recklessly, getting out of God the things THEY want, not necessarily what God wants (do they care what God wants?) and they teach others that God doesn't mind! God has created everything just so we - who are smart - can take all we want! There's enough for everyone, so take, take, take! What do they want to take that is more important than taking God - who is ALL HAPPINESS? For "What profit a man if he gains the world but loses his immortal soul?"
In other words, to put it bluntly these people are not very far evolved. They have learned the use of psychic power and mind over matter for the limited use of material/physical things. Peace of mind? That is the last of their priorities, for they feel like Pagans that peace of mind comes with the territory of material and personal acquisition! This is all nonsense.
And so, of course, their prayers are dangerous, for they pray OUTSIDE
THE WILL OF GOD. Thank God, all their prayers do not bring upon themselves
punishment but only the physical material things they want. (The great
tragedy here is that you are WASTING your prayers. Instead of attaining
more of God, you gain the world, which is DUST.)
Mystics also know how to employ mind over matter and manipulation and direction of energy - in fact, they are the ones who know most about it - but not to serve the physical self. It is for the things of God, for one's soul and the salvation of others that this is used. Therein lies the difference between Yogis and mystics and these lowminded mind over matter buffs. These fellows - some of them - have psychic powers and knowledge of the occult. Some of them are in the state of illumination. Psychic powers OF THEMSELVES mean nothing. Occult things the devil knows of very well. The state of illumination is the absolute beginning of God's revelation to man, the infancy of his progress. Mysticism only comes to be after the unitive state, which is the state of purgation and suffering.
Having said these words of caution to those who want to study self development in relation to God, I go on with my treatise.
W.C. Leadbeater has written an excellent book called "THE CHAKRAS," from which I gain my information. He explains, in a non abstract way, how POWER can force itself through the body, causing great pain and even injury, but also causing the beneficent awakening of the ENERGY CENTERS within the body. This power, like a fire, is called the Kundalini, and those energy transmitters are Chakras.
Yogis meditate on the kundalini fire and do exercises to awaken it, causing it to stir from its latency, course through a certain channel in the body, piercing through the energy sources, awakening them and enhancing them with power as never before. Some of this stimulation, on the positive side causes all the psychic powers to come full force. Some of it causes damage if the person isn't ready and well protected, and may even result in degeneracy.
It can be physically painful as the book explains kundalini feels like FIRE which burns through the etheric dross. In other words, the negative being burned out causes great pain.
Mr. Leadbeater explains the human soul as being composed of several vehicles among which is the physical body, but including the etheric and astral bodies. These centers of energy exist within those latter bodies, and from there hook up to the physical close to the nerve centers and glands. The kundalini fire works the same way, coursing through the non physical, but contained within the physical body.
Within the chakras energy is received from the eternal realm, and is transmitted to the body. By these centers we also receive and give energy to other created life.
There are seven main transformers or energy centers. From the bottom they are the most elementary, ending in the top of the head which is the most evolved and powerful. They are the Root Chakra, the Spleen, (Yogis do not call this Spleen but Svadhisthana, which is near the generative organs. For some reason, the Theosopher prefers not to deal with this chakra and uses spleen instead), the Solar Plexus (He calls it the navel), The Heart, the Throat, the Pituitary (Brow) and the Pineal (Crown) Centers.
Each center has its own source of power and function. For instance, the lower centers pick up, use and translate lower energies, which can be directed by the will and used higher up. The spleen and the heart chakras are the personality/emotional centers, which pick up intermediate impulses, while the higher are the mental centers, the throat (lower mental center), and the topmost which deal directly with the soul and psychic powers - pituitary and pineal centers.
The kundalini sounds at one point as if it comes from the Holy Spirit and another as if it were of the devil. This is because it awakens the WHOLE person, and all the good and bad that there may be. It may cause healing or damage, elevation or downward pull, pain and bliss, and this sounds awfully much like the awakening and punishment of the Stigmata in the heart.
Some of the BAD effects are the overstimulation of the genital area, swelling of pride and ambition when mental centers are touched, great pain in the body as it flashes through, sometimes tearing tissue and even destroying life! Mr. Leadbeater says that one must have a strong and healthy body before the kundalini fire is awakened.
One comparison perhaps could be made in saying that power, health and wealth can be used for both evil and good purposes, depending on the will of the recipient. In the same way, kundalini awakening creates a more alive and energetic instrument. What then one does with that vitality is personal. Some may waste it, as those who squander their health and strength on HEDONISM and MATERIALISM and VANITY, while others may use it for God and therefore, their own greatest good.
In Yoga it is used to raise the consciousness to God. There are seven schools of Yoga recognized in India, and all of them recognize and try to develop the chakras.
Obviously then, in spite of all its bad effects when not employed properly, kundalini stimulation and chakra awakening are highly essential for good. What we know about through prayer and devotion, the Hindus include in prayer and devotion the willful stimulation and discipline of the body.
Our relationship with God consciously speaking, has to do with an inner, not an outer world. That is why the centers are necessary to explore. Mystical theology is that science which draws a conscious union with God, not an unconscious one which all people have. So now we are talking about the same experience; the spiritual relationship with God, as approached by two different disciplines, that of Yoga and the Catholic Masters.
Now about the awakening of the centers and their good effects: The awakening of the astral body is largely an unconscious matter. The centers awaken one at a time, from the lowest to the highest, causing more and more astral activity or travel, and an increased awareness concerning those experiences. The astral body has no sense organs, but the whole body is sensitive to all stimulation and can record, when fully awakened, what it has known by experience. That is, in its own way, without the use of organs, it has seen, heard, felt where it has been. As the chakras blossom, one by one, they transmit their particular power to the WHOLE astral body, so that you can employ the work of the five senses through ANY point in the astral body.
The author explains a difference in the astral body and the etheric body, and the next step after unconscious development is to stimulate the kundalini fire and cause it to move through all the etheric centers one by one, for once this is done, we can not only remember what we have experienced, but be able to do more, see more, know more. Now we develop our extrasensory powers to the fullest.
The kundalini is awakened at its home base, the Root Chakra. From then it goes on to the Spleen, where one begins to recall astral projections.
THEN THERE IS THE HEART, WHICH MAKES A PERSON AWARE OF THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF OTHERS AND SOMETIMES EVEN CAUSE BY EMPATHY A SHARING OF THOSE JOYS AND SORROWS.
The fifth (the Throat) gives one clairaudience, the sixth (the Brow or pituitary) clairvoyance. The final step is to be able to leave one's body and return without going unconscious, and when one has reached that plateau death is a conscious transition rather than an envelopment in sleep. This is the Crown Chakra or pineal center. (I think one has to go unconscious physically both in complete projection and in death, but that's how the author explains it.)
Here is how I believe the Stigmata happens from the point of view of chakras. I would say that the heart center is stimulated to a degree that it causes intense pain. Then, besides that, energy is drawn from the head centers (throat, pituitary and pineal) until these are drained. Then when the head and heart centers are exhausted to the point that they can draw no more energy from an eternal realm they have to "fall down" and draw upon the natural forces of the body which are generated by the lower chakras. (Here you have the problem of the sex glands being stimulated, causing lust. They have been in the dormant state, for these transmitters were quiet while the upper ones were totally in effect. Now they must come back into action as emergency generators.) There is also a tendency to be drawn to people, not only because of the lust, but because they are transmitters of energy which one now sorely needs. (This is interpreted by the personality as the need for comfort, solace and diversion.)
That, in essence, is the history of the interior Stigmata. I say nothing about the physical manifestation of the Stigmata because I know nothing about it.
THE STIGMATA FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF PSYCHOLOGY
There is another point of view that I would like to state and that is from modern psychology. It coiincides readily with the chakra theory.
But when a person goes through a traumatic experience which she is incapable of handling - and this could be mental or physical or both - she can have a BREAKDOWN. After this breakdown can occur the REGRESSION of the personality and behavior of the individual, when the person can no longer function on such a high level as before. So from the point of view of psychology you would call the Stigmata breakdown and regression. Psychology does not even try to go into what GOOD could eventually come out of a breakdown, but anyone who has gone through a normal breakdown knows the LEARNING that comes out of it and the CAUTION toward future stress. Not all breakdowns are Stigmatas - but the Divine Stigmata can resemble a breakdown. (One must be consumed by Christ or a Christ Figure before one is capable of receiving the Divine Stigmata.)
THE STIGMATA FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
Last of all, I would like to embroider upon the Stigmata from the personal experience point of view, which should be most interesting to my readers who think they may have gone through with this or who are thinking of attaining it. Perhaps hints may be brought out here on truth which cannot be explained deeply enough through theories.
To understand the Stigmata you must concentrate on Christ's love. Now you are going to participate in that love. Neither St. Francis, nor St. Gertrude, nor I, prayed to God for affliction and pain of itself. The prayer for the Stigmata is to KNOW, to UNDERSTAND Christ's love by PARTICIPATION.
There were so many steps leading to the Stigmata but I will tell you only a few. There developed a NEED to bestow my love and God's love - which were one and the same - upon a man. I saw that his life depended on it; therefore the need became consuming. My heart welled up in size, for to contain great love your heart center has to expand. The energy of love fills up the center with such force that it simply JOLTS the whole area into abnormal consciousness.
I had a friend who is a United States Marine. I started doing readings on his soul. God showed me in a vision at the early part of my ministry that he would die young, and if I would not help him, he'd be lost. Christ was acting through me. He needed my body as an instrument.
Now I contained within myself this love which would save the man, but it was not easily deliverded. It took WORK. Visibly, outwardly, he never received it. Understand clearly the state of one who is NOT SAVED and the potential of evil that person may contain. See the resistance to grace there has to be and the dominion that the Satanic has over such a soul. For no sinner can reject God and go his own way. He belongs to Hell. There are only two Kingdoms - God's and Satan's, and to Satan's Kingdom belong all those who resist the grace of God.
This Satanic Kingdom fights for its own. It claims its province, its dominion,
which is the souls in hell and hell on earth, the souls devoid of grace.
At the time I ministered to this man I already had, for many years, my spiritual/psychic centers awakened, increasingly so as I gained union with God. That means I had foresight or precognition of what would happen, that I could already feel the repulsion and the force before the man indicated rejection in physical terms.
It has happened to me more than once that before meeting certain people their "dark force" or shadow would come to me first. (A low astral body.) But it turned out these were people I would attempt to save. I have read of Padre Pio fighting monstrous demons the night before a great sinner would come to him for confession.
My battle for this U.S. Marine Sergeant started seven days before the Stigmata - the night after his first visit to my house. My calendar says.
"DEMON WAKES ME UP - A MURDERER." This was no astral body but a separate and aggressive demonic spirit.
On Oct. 1 I have written in my diary, put down a short time later: "It was close to this time that Satan began to threaten me profusely. First, saying he would make the Marine strangle me. I argued that I would see him only in public, but the demon showed me now he could excite him to the point that he would call me up saying, 'If you refuse to see me alone, I will shoot you in the street.'
That part about shooting me in the street was most frightening and caused me to falter. I began to wonder was this really worth it? Was I meddling in something none of my business?
I have never suffered so many emotional pains as with this case; intense fear, intense love back an forth. I believe it is this involvement of the emotions that has made me lose my mystical vision or impaired it. The readings here are lucid. Later on they are so mixed up that I throw out a great number."
On Oct. 5th I was doing one of the many readings on his soul, this time with Rudolph Valentino (who has long been ascended in heaven.) On this night Rudy disclosed to me THE MARINE IS GAY. Things now fell into place. No wonder he cooled off AFTER he found out I was psychic! No wonder he wasn't calling back, and no wonder demons were visiting me! It all suddenly made sense and now I was filled with overwhelming pity for the man - captive of Satan, and how could he get help?
On the night of Oct. 7th and morning of Oct. 8th (around midnight) which was to be the day of the Stigmata I received a revelation that would decide the course of the ministry. I was tormented back and forth between the feelings of reaching out to him in love and backing off. Demons were now constantly threatening and I could hear them especially well at night. Since I am psychic they could reach me by telepathy, and since this was my ministry I had to listen! (Usually you program yourself never to hear these spirits and they can't afflict you. But sometimes you must become aware of them and fight them for the sake of gaining merit.) They kept saying they would make the Marine kill me and stimulated my imagination in many ways of how it could happen, so that I could almost see it. I became shaky with fear, my resolve melting away. Was it really so important to mess with this guy? Why not just leave him alone? After all, this was my LIFE we were talking about! Finally I even thought maybe it was too late - maybe he would decide to return my calls and get together, fall madly in love, and then kill me if I rejected him! I would have to somehow erase myself out of his mind! You see the kinds of intense thoughts that were racing through my brain.
At my lowest ebb God LIFTED me into a Light, and this is what I saw: The Marine would die young, in Nicaragua. It would be an act of war, he would be shot (probably in the head.) Before that time, if I did not help him, no one would, and he would die in sin. He would never have know what LOVE was.
As soon as I saw this Light, which was intense and lifted my consciousness into it, I knew the demons were lying. For if that was his destiny - then he could not kill me, because if he did so, he could not stay in the Marine Corps.
This logic, together with my compassion for him, cemented my resolve not to give up, and the demons were defeated. They did not RETREAT but they were dead as far as I was concerned, for I wouldn't back off.
This is a perfect example of how God annihilates darkness with Light. The darkness presents itself with concepts which may seem true, but when you see the Light, you know they can't be true. Truth destroys Satan.
This vision overwhelmed me emotionally, and I cried with grief and shame. I felt like a coward. Here this man would die for our country - which included me - and I was too affraid to help him! I was backing off because of the danger to myself! What kind of love did I have? Did not Christ die for me? Why couldn't I take a chance? My decision was made then, that night, irrevocably. I would fight TO THE DEATH.
Now these disclosures I have made about personal experience have probavly dispelled some delusions about the Stigmata. We have brought it down to earth, made it a tangible reality rather than an unexplainable phenomenon that just STRIKES no one knows why and how. Perhaps you, too, will smile once you have read this book as I have smiled when I think of the fantasies people have regarding the Stigmata.
I am not saying I know all about the Stigmata. I don't know ALL about anything, although I have experienced many interior graces. The Stigmata and all graces from God are personal experiences which differ from soul to soul.
All relationships are different, human relationships, and those with God. One person's betrothal and marriage to Christ differs from another's, just as one person's betrothal and marriage to a spouse differs from another's. But what I have lived through, thank God, has given me more insights into the unitive state, the Stigmata, and all relationships of love than I could ever have had had I not lived through the experience.
I am almost now in this writing at the day of the Stigmata. Before I go into it I want to make one more point clear. That is, why a man? Why couldn't God appear to me as He did to St. Francis, for instance, as explained in his biography?:
"On a certain morning about the feast of the Exaltation of the Cross, while Francis was praying on the mountainside, he saw a Seraph with six fiery and shinning wings descend from the height of heaven. And when in swift flight the Seraph had reached a spot in the air near the man of God, there appeared between the wings the figure of a man crucified, with his hands and feet extended in the form of a cross and fastened to a cross. Two of the wings were lifted above his head, two were extended for flight and two covered his whole body. When Francis saw this, he was overwhelmed and his heart was flooded with a mixture of joy and sorrow. He rejoiced because of the gracious way Christ looked upon him under the appearence of the Seraph, but the fact that he was fastened to a cross pierced his soul with a sword of compassionate sorrow."
Now my equivalent to Francis's vision was the light God took me into to show me the destiny of the Marine. It was a few hours after that that my heart expanded with love and sorrow. You could say that at this point I experienced the extremes of Christ's love and grief: Love for the Marine He wanted to save, and grief at not being able to bestow His love.
But to make the final point about why a man? Why not just a symbolic vision, and then the Stigmata, like St. Francis is this: It was Men with St. Francis too! God didn't stigmatize him - men did - just as God did not crucify Christ, men did.
I have symbolic visions about what people do to me all the time. Sometimes I do not see the person, but a devil, or an angel, or Christ. Often, when God allows us to be persecuted and crucified by men, it is He Himself that wants it, and then, often, you will see God doing something to you in a vision instead of a human being. This is to show the GRACE you receive by the persecution, the closeness that you attain to God by it. Some of the greatest graces from God come to us by way of the worst persecutions of men.
But about St. Francis: I had read his life twice, before and after my Stigmata. Afterward I saw another story of why he got the Stigmata. I did a reading for further insights and got these answers form the Highest of my soul:
"It was the order. St. Francis would implement the full force of his love through the order. But toward the end of his life the order was falling apart - or seeming to be. This was the repulsion of his love. The brothers who should have loved him were instead stabbing him in the back. They took his order away from him! They wouldn't obey his rule! Even the Pope wouldn't let him have his rule the way he wanted it.
No, it was not God but men that crucified him. St. Francis was totally brokenhearted because he thought that his love would be, if not completely snuffed out, then diminished in its intensity - the love he would implement through his order; that love by which he would save numerous souls."
St. Francis of Assisi was united to Christ in the aspect of His poverty, which poverty was the epicenter of Francis's personality. He saw the beauty of poverty as Lady Poverty, dressed in rags, so pitiful and good, and one whom he longed to be faithful to. His own psychic senses projected her image as the mirror image of himself - his loving counterpart, like a spouse, by whom he received love and gave love in return. This was his relationship with CHRIST.
Any disloyalty to this counterpart gave Francis tremendous pain, for it diminished both his love and his power. So it is no wonder that when he was not permitted, by the Pope, to implement his rule exactly as he had started it - this world caused him terrible pain.
Besides the Pope, there were brothers who took the order away from right under his nose. This double conspiracy, first the Pope watering it down (saying his rule was impractical) and the brothers stealing it, was the destruction of the image Francis built up.
True, it is the largest order today so one might say it is a success. True, there have been many great people in it, and are, and will be. But it would have been better.
BIG in physical terms is not necessarily GREAT in God's. God looks at charity, humility, poverty, righteousness, not NUMBERS. Some of the members of this BIG order are as much Franciscans as Bro. Elias was.
Francis concept was absolute perfection. They diluted it to a human istitution. They made it SAFE. They made it conform to worldly standards.
Those who ripped the order away from Francis were God users. They wanted to hold POSITIONS on earth in relation to God, to be known, admired, respected and taken care of because of their positions. They wanted security and love in earthly terms - not what Francis had in mind.
What Francis wanted was to "GO, SELL ALL YOU HAVE, GIVE TO THE POOR AND FOLLOW ME!"
The original order had no provisions. No one owned anything and had to beg every day. This insecurity and pain would bring them closer to God, kept them in the hands of God daily.
The institution builders changed that. They didn't want to humble themselves to the dust and live at the mercy of God and fellow man. They simply weren't holy enough. An so Francis vision inevitably came true; that the order would first be of gold, then of silver, then brass and then iron. As the image he set up deteriorated, the Light within the order dimmed.
I have the Stigmata but I am no Franciscan. By the same token, lots of these guys in the order are good, but they are not Franciscans. I am a "Gertrudian" of a "Mary of Agerdian," if anything. Francis's way has never been followed in a religion order, and that was his heartbreak. It is simply too hard - too UNUSUAL of a calling to which few people could conform physically.
St. Catherine of Siena was another case of brokenhearted seeming "failure." I read her life also before the Stigmata. Remembering, I saw more insights into her case.
In the end of her story her bigrapher said that St. Catherine died believing her life to have been a FAILURE. The two great things she had pushed for - the Pope returning to Rome and the Crusades both proved to be fiascos. After the Pope returned to Rome was the terrible SCHISM with an anti-Pope elected! No doubt Catherine felt responsible for that. And the Crusades were lost! Her two great projects ending in failure!
And that is what the Stigmata consists of: a consciousness of rejection and failure. A knowing that one's best efforts have not sufficed. St. Catherine had the interior Stigmata, and the visible wounds appeared on her body after her death.
Heartbreak can come from any number of things as the cause of the Stigmata. It can be people or projects, but it is always the work of God that "fails." For as I said, it is God within you that is Stigmatized. It is God within you that wants to save, and your personal nature receives the wounding.
To understand the Stigmata just look at Christ. Here was God - and here we are - diefied. We have this infinite power available, like Christ had, yet for some reason (according to God's plan) we are exhausted. Our personal nature FAILS like Christ "failed" when He allowed them to torture and crucify Him. And for some reason - gaining merit - God allows US - second Christs - to also fail, to be persecuted and crucified in order to gain the FINAL ASCENT. We are BROKEN in order to be RESURRECTED.
I KNEW I was going through reparatory sufferings for the Marine when the worst pain hit. It isn't only a heart experience, but a heart and head. Yet heart predominates. This has to be because the heart center is the spot of empathic love/compassion. The pain in the head follows that of the heart, in the KNOWLEDGE that the heart has failed its act of love.
Understand the mystic's position. In order to become a full/fledged mystic you have given up ALL for God. No matter if THEY reject you, or you reject them, but you are all alone. I am talking about family, friends and society. But you have gained, not only lost, for Christ promises that: A new family, a new life.
Your new family/life is supernatural. You record a higher plane. A mystic MUST entail extrasensory perception and through this perception you live in another world. But you are still an earthling who must represent Christ on earth. Your job isn't over. Christ came to suffer, not to dominate. As God lowered Himself, you must also lower yourself from that high up plane to the lower pains of human sense. That is what Our Lord has taught us.
But when you want to bestow this God Love it cannot meet its mark. It is totally beyond reason - beyond human or even ANIMAL nature that God's love can be rejected. It is DEMONIC, yet it is so.
You have never loved so much and you have never found so much resistance. It is as if all the forces of hell are emptied out to stand against you. The stronger your love gets, the stronger the resistance!
You have no other weapon but that of love! Your love has reached inhuman proportions. Your zeal has never been stronger, nor your fortitude. How long can you hold out, though, against incorrigible refusal? You cannot change the WILL of human being!
I felt the most intense pain Oct. 8th and 9th (1982), Friday and Saturday. It was a burning sensation in the heart center. It was love turned into pain. My heart felt a swelling, aching breaking sensation as if it were swelling and breakin over and over again.
On my calendar it says for Oct. 8th: "INTENSE PAIN OVER THE HEART 5:30 P.M. to 12:30 A.M."
On Oct. 9th I have: "SAME PAIN ALL DAY TILL 6:30 P.M. MASS."
I remember clearly leaving my house that Saturday for the 6:30 Mass. The pain was so terrible my CONSCIOUSNESS changed. I was taken into another place mentally, a hell-like place of the mind.
Hell is a place where there is no hope. And this case seemed hopeless. In this hell you are breaking out and there is nowhere to go. You are frustrated rather than depressed. You are thrown back, your energy is boomeranging back to you and CONSUMING you. You are eating your heart out, gnawing at your own psychological insides! You are burning up by your own force of love!
Mass was the only relief I could find on earth without taking away my
I think the technical term of this change of consciousness would be being consumed by an idea. This idea takes you out of yourself into a "dark" ecstasy. Ecstasy is when you are taken out of yourself into something - dark ecstasy would be when this causes you pain. You are entranced by your pain. You can think of nothing but what you are feeling.
Many experiences, both physical and mystical, can relate to this, that one thing consumes you and all else fades into the background. The Gift of Contemplation, for instance, which I received at Easter 1981, and is one of the greatest mental gifts (if not the greatest) has that effect. Here you are consumed by the vision of the love of God and hatred of all else. This is wisdom in its totality, the trademark of this Gift. All else but God fades away and in this face of God, - intellectually - you see many revelations of the highest Truth.
On a lower scale there are physical and mental experiences which also alter one's field of consciousness, narrowing it down to one feeling or experience. Take people who are in love and entranced by each other. The whole world is an incidental. Others can be filled with paranoia or shock, and these people cannot be reached normally. Speaking to a person in an altered state of consciousness brings about a strange, delayed reaction.
In the Stigmata the love you want to bestow becomes all consuming, and the inability to bestow it drains the brain. This conflict brings about the change.
Now I ask a rhetorical question: "Why, since the Stigmata is the stimulation of the heart center and an increase of love energy through that zone, can't we just call it growth? If it is growth, isn't it more reasonable to grow slowly, in stages where we will not cause a breakdown?"
That answer arouses the central mystery of the Stigmata, and that is, that you don't want to die but you must. Christ didn't want to die, He wanted to SAVE. But human nature forced Him to die.
In the battle with the demons they want to KILL. You do not want to die, but go on living. They "kill" you by exhausting you, by never letting up even when you have the Stigmata. But in this conflict, as that of Christ, when you win you win big, and they lose all. That is why they fight so hard - because they know how humiliating defeat will be after such an all-out war.
If you did not give ALL you would fall short of the glory of Christ. We must be WILLING to die for our fellow man in order to be exactly like Him, and having the Stigmata proves it. Anything less is less glory, less merit, and perhaps not enough for someone's salvation.
You may have the FEELING of defeat, like Christ of the Cross, suffering and complaining about God leaving Him, but this is no defeat. Out ot the ashes comes new life.
How do you know you'd give your life if you have never given it? Where is your proof? Were are your scars?
There is something lasting about the Stigmata. It is, in the words of our Church concerning Sacraments, and imprinting on our character. I don't know how that would physically appear if one were to see a soul or it's energy. Perhaps you will see a scar with Light shining out of it. Whatever it is, intangibly it's visible and permanent.
The Stigmata is catastrophic. It destroys the structure of your life. Before the Stigmata I lived in a house with God, with Mary, with the angels and saints. I had such security and peace. I was happy, even though I had nothing outside, for my world within, the real world, was secure.
After the Stigmata that house was GONE. I understand now it is only the consciousness of God that you lose - but then you don't know it. You feel that you have lost the grace of God, that you are guilty of sin. You have fallen down and will never get up - maybe.
Before the Stigmata I was strong, afterward I was weak - or thought I
was. I know now I wasn't, but the FEELING of power was not there. This
causes innumerable tortures, as the feeling of strength
But this is THE PRICE YOU PAY. It isn't easy to give your life for your friend. You may be alive physically, but in many ways you resemble the dead. You have lost the things that made your life meaningful, peaceful and happy. I believe that if the normal person received the Stigmata, she would die of it. The only thing that protects one from its fatality is HEROIC LOVE.
All my MEANINGFUL activities stopped nearly one year after the Stigmata! With physical Stigmatics obviously their activities are curtailed because of Wounds and pain. My wounds were also crippling and painful, but since they were of the soul no one even guessed what I was going through.
I am also amazed at myself praying for something I knew nothing about, but I am glad, for had I not received it, I still would know nothing about it! How can anyone imagine what she will be in for? And how quickly my prayer was answered! I am enthralled by the thought that God gifted me with one of the most meritorious graces one could ever have!
The FALL after the wounding is similar to the banishment of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Understand, you are not being banished for your own sins, this time, but FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S! (Isn't that the same thing Our Lord underwent?) Our first parents had EVERYTHING when they saw God in Contemplation. They had perfect happiness and peace. God was ALL. Suddenly they were condemned, and they were driven to the shallows and wastes of human sense.
We are not that exalted before the Stigmata - for Adam and Eve were incomparable saints - perhaps second to Mary - before the fall. But out state IS similar. We live in a mystical world, entranced by the qualities of God. We record higher truths, vibrations, Lights. We have peace. We have earned that peace, and it is taken away.
I want to make one other simile in relation to the Stigmata, that of the mighty ocean liner the Titanic, which sunk on its maiden voyage. It was "unsinkable" because there was a series of watertight doors that locked going from bottom up. Presumably if there was a leak, they would lock one set of doors, then another and another, and this would avoid sinking. But it didn't.
I, too, had my doors to lock. Or to put it another way, I had my spiritual centers - chakras - all different sources of Light which when one gave out, the other would compensate. Soon Light would be restored to me and that's how I stayed together.
As I said, when my heart was in trouble, it began pulling from the head centers, which are emanating from the throat, pituitary and pineal glands. I assumed that his never ending Source would not quit. What I did not anticipate was the breakdown of the instrument from exhaustion. This had never happened to me before!
The Light I was pulling from head was at an abnormal rate - more psychic energy than I had ever used. I was assuming that the force of the Light would be so strong that the Marine could not RESIST it - but he did. The second point about my collapse is this: Demons know how you are pulling Light from God. They are smart, and like all smart enemies know that the quicker way to defeat someone is to attack ON ALL FRONTS.*
They attacked my lower energy centers and what hurt the most was the genital area because lust causes BLINDNESS OF MIND. There are several ways of explaining this, and I have already given one, which is that at the end the lower areas must be used as emergency generators. But before the breakdown, they are attacking those centers.
Now the reason they were at all able to was this: I was doing exorcisms for the Marine twice daily. They were the formal ones, which demand the demons disclose what they had done to him and what they were planning to do. I followed a book which gave the rite. What I didn't anticipate ahead of time was that since the man was not in front of me the demons couldn't talk through him, they had to - at my demand - reveal themselves THROUGH MY MIND or in other words, telepathy. They had to be cause I MADE THEM! So they said things to me like,
"HE HAS A MAN. CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT FEELING. HE IS BRASS. YOU ARE CRASS. HE IS SOLD. YOU ARE BOLD."
These things I could not hear in my normal frame of mind, but only when I was in the alpha state, usually just before I awoke. Or perhaps they answered right after the exorcism and I heard it unconsciously and then transmitted it to myself later. I often do this telepathically - I can have a conversation with someone and record their thoughts unconsciously. Then when I am in the alpha state I hear VERY CLEARLY in precise words exactly what the person was thinking. This can often be a startling bit of information! (The alpha state does not necessarily mean you are asleep, but you do have to be relaxed. It is the state of psychic awareness.)
* Understand that at the end of this ordeal you are not only drained of all the Light from your head - but also of your heart. You have NO MORE LOVE TO GIVE. You have given all, and FEEL no supernatural love until your heart is restored - rebuilt in the long, long process I will mention.
In those few words that I mentioned they revealed many things to me, if they were true. It would mean he was addicted to homosexuality, that he had a lover who was a commissioned officer, that he was sold on this idea or had sold his soul to the devil (which means consumed by sin) and that I was bold to confront this situation.
At some time during the point of these demons speaking to me I felt a vibration going right into my vagina. It seemed that the WORDS or concepts they spoke came in on that vebration. When I refused to listen, the vibration and the feeling in the genital area stopped, but when I continued listening, it started again. I had no fear at the time, for I thought myself invincible, but what they were doing was interfering with my chastity.
One of the greatest secrets of keeping one's chastity is to allow those centers to go to sleep - go dormant. Then you are free to work and think. This takes TIME. Lust is a plague that I hate with all hy soul and body. That is why I was so happy when I achieved chastity, both acquired and infused. You can bet your life I was totally unhappy when I found out the demons had penetrated my virginal shield, that my genitals were once more activated, and I was tortured by the feeling of lust!
But as one of my dreams explained (it will be in the diary) I had to accept this torture on myself to pay for the man's sins - which were in particular, sins against chastity. And this would plague me for almost a year!
Never again would I be so confident of my chastity! Never again would I take it for granted. I was amazed that in praying for a soul in Purgatory - Errol Flynn - who was equally guilty of sensuality, I never had to endure this. The demons never touched my lower centers, though they tempted me in every other way. Why this now? All these things are very confusing when they are happening, for it takes time and distance and experience to evaluate things.
Are you laughing because more delusions about the Stigmata are dispelled? Does this sound too much like human nature? But Christ paid for ALL sins, sensuality included. He was tempted in sex just as anything else. So, we must too go through with it.
As an aside I would like to mention another sin I had to pay for, and that for a soul in Purgatory. My late father was guilty of gluttony. I gallantly offered to pay, just as I had for Errol Flynn, and my father was released in 5 1/2 days. Little did I know that gluttony would plague me for TWO YEARS! I had no idea the penance would last that long! And it was so bad, that I have not been able to keep my desired weight in all that time. My appetite was absolutely raging and appalling, a true affliction of the mind.
Here lies, I imagine, the difference between sins of those in Purgatory and those in mortal sin. No soul in Purgatory is guilty of mortal sin. No soul in Purgatory is chained to Satan. When you fight to deliver a soul from mortal sin, you fight the worst battle of your life. I know now that helping the souls in Purgatory only prepared me for worse to come.
These temptations and feelings are all part of the battle for the salvation of souls. Sure, you could stay aloof, but here is the amazing juxtaposition of priorities. Before it was your head you sacrificed all for. You loved because you saw. You loved the vision of God which was always before you, and God was easy to love. Now you love a creature. You must take your eyes (mind) off God. You no longer see so well. (After all, we are not angels that can see the Beatific Vision and mortals simultaneously!) Now you take from that head center all the Light and energy you need to charge up your heart, which takes precedence. You BLIND yourself in trying to transmit HEART LOVE to someone else! This heart love is your absolute center of feeling and pain. When you give this, you must participate by feeling. It isn't the headlight you are transmitting, but heartlight. Headlight is of a teacher, heartlight is of a lover. Both take precedence at different times.
But when your heart does not meet its goal, and there is no more Light and energy, your centers become like wasted bulbs. That is the end of you. You are beaten! You have officially fallen, to human sense, for you no longer see with the eyes of a mystic, which is above it all. You have sacrificed yourself for love.
And there is no reward from the object of your love. This is how it had to be, for you prayed for the Stigmata and it is mutilation. It is dying for love - martyrdom.
What can you do now? You have failed. The first impulse is to consult with the head centers, but they are knocked out, feeble, barely touching base with you. You are banished from your mystical world! You are stripped of your power!
This dilemma explains why the "normal" person cannot gain the Stigmata. When the normal person has a nervous breakdown intellectual faculties are impaired, but the Stigmata cannot occur until the centers are DIVINIZED by God's Light or in union with Him. It is because it is CHRIST who loves, CHRIST who is rejected - CHRIST who suffers pain. therefore, you must alread BE A CHRIST before attaining the Stigmata.
As expressed, the Stigmata is the development of the heart of love at the expense of the head of knowledge. In a reading done 11/27/83 my Highest said this:
"The Stigmata destroyed your psychic personality for the sake of the Christ In terms of sacrifice, your sacrifice was complete. But this was not for all time. The Christ personality developed more and in time - the psychic personality came back.
Each personality has its own powers. In order to develop one PHASE of yourself sometimes another has to be put to rest - crushed and destroyed in some cases.
Now your psychic personality was very strong. It was so strong it overshadowed, in some ways, the Christ. It was the personality of knowledge rather than love - although God is both - one can predominate the other within the individual personality.
Now in order for the Christ to overtake the psychic it had to be crushed. This psychic personality gave you a lot of consolation because knowledge is consolation. But Christ on the Cross and especially in the Stigmata aspect had no consolation. You had to feel - experience - participate in that loss in order to allow that strength of Christ to develop.
Christ as LOVE has now fully developed so it's now safe for the illumination/wisdom/knowing personality to return.
IS THE PSYCHIC DIFFERENT
All your personalities are God centered, but different phases of God: God in His knowing or seeking to know God - God in His love.
The Stigmata personality is the epitoment of Christ - or the epicenter of the Christ personality. Within the Stigmata itself (to die for love) is the psychological center - the source from which all the strength of the personality flows."
Obviously, the Stigmata can't be all bad, because it is a grace. It must have spiritual benefits.
After the head centers and heart have been depleted, they must be built up again. The mystic is back at base 1, practically blind except for FAITH, which leads her on as before. She does have memory of what she once knew, and that is an advantage, but it is not sharp and clear.
She must now remember how she built up those Lights in the first place! It isn't easy, because you cannot remember things you often attained by coincidence.
This makes the mystic THINK as never before, to REVIEW the steps of her progress one by one. She seeks FORMULAS of progress.
It becomes a scientific study of the utmost zeal. How does one most quickly and efficiently build up Lights, stimulate the higher chakras once again? How long does it take to regain what took one ten years to develop - and what are the quickest steps?
Growth seems to happen like this, spiritually: Head centers, heart center, head centers, heart center, and so on. One lies relatively dormant while the other takes precedence. They must take turns developing for each functions a different way, although seeing always has to start the action.
For a personal example, when I was busy CONTEMPLATING and my head centers were full power, I would sacrifice all human relationships for their development. I took a vow of silence.
But then, when I pursued the case of the Marine and others, I was USING the head centers to help them. Obviously they were being depleted if there was no response from the recipients. In most earthly ministries response of love is the last thing you expect because most mortals you attend to are in the very need of that love. They are sick by the lack of love - so certainly they can't give you any.
Had it not been for the Stigmata, I would never have started writing the book on spiritual poverty. I rediscovered that that is the absolute formula for development of the head centers. There is no other way, and I spent several months thinking about it.
The knowledge of that path, ane reorganizing in my head and acting out those formulas brought me back to sane mysticism. I began praying that God grant me poverty on June 1, 1983. It was in september of that year that my prayers began to reach fruit.
Notations in my diary say, "Begin to feel better within," "Begin writing on Our Lord's Poverty," "feeling much better spiritually," and several notes on "revelations," something that had not happened in a while.
If the Stigmata is the epitoment of graces, then it must be good. But before its good effects are brought to realization one must take the bad. The damage is temporary - the grace eternal. A temporary knockout to the head and heart centers, depleting and wounding them, and the centers are enlarged BY FORCE. After the wounds heal up there is an increased capacity of Light and love.
For a while there is a deterioration of the personality from the state in which it was before - depending on the individual and the case. When the heart is restored it will be to a state if LOVE PURIFIED. Love will be elevated, strengthened, ennobled in every way. But before it is thus it is weakened, ignobled and lowered. It becomes LOVE PERVERTED for the time being!
I know that each individual's case is different. Had I studied many cases I would be able to impart to you a survey. But I can't. There is nothing written, that I know of, on the negative aftereffects of the psychological stigmata. We are led to imagine that once stigmatized, the recipient lives in the throes of ecstatic love and power. That may happen, but not right away!
My negative effect was that I was thrown out of my spiritual center. I found that I could no longer function as a contemplative. How can one contemplate without Lights? This state is all inspiration and vision. Our Lights are our "crutches" or mystic glasses by which we know another world.
I found myself now in seclusion, living the life I had been living but without the powers I then employed. The walls began to close in on me. When you are entranced by God you see your walls as LIBERTY to be with God. Those walls shut out the difference between yourself and the mundane world and give you the privacy you need to record a higher plane.
Mortals without mysticixm feel restricted by enclosure, and so the person who has been de-mysticized also feels.
I WAS aware of my plight. I knew for a fact I was making reparation for sin, though all its ramifications weren't clear. (For instance, were all my faults my own or were some of them excusable by way of my banishment? How long will this last? Will I be restored mystically?) I knew I had to bear this darkness and live by FAITH.
I had a vague idea that I had lost my intellectual infused gifts from God. They are the free gifts which are considered incidental to salvation although they are highest of the totem pole of mental charisms. I was waiting for the restoration of those gifts, but meantime I had to survive without them.
My lifestyle now had to change in order to cope with the boredom, frustration and depression that came with the territory. I had become, more or less as I was before receiving the Gift of Contemplation, only more hurt. This Gift was in April 1981 and caused me, by its effects to gravitate into seclusion by October of that same year. I now restored to the schedule of past experiences; choir practice in church (which I hated but learned to tolerate as a way out of my misrey), physical training, and the socialyzing that goes with the former events and other activities. I found it most embarrassing to return to normal human contact after having taken a vow of silence and keeping it for a good length of time. I was at a loss to explain it to anyone for what could I say?: "I got the Stigmata, and now I have regressed and must return to normal human contact for a while?" Most people I knew didn't know what the psychological Stigmata was in the first place. If they knew what it was, they wouldn't believe I had it. And if I had it, what was I doing with them? Wouldn't I be a saint? I found things, as I said, most embarrassing to myself, moreso than to anyone else.
It is equally important to pray through times of darkness as it is in those of Light - even more so, for you are learning to rebuild those Lights. And so I prayed daily, but without the fervor or feeling I once had. I put all of myself into it, mind you, but that was nothing!
In December, 1982, one BIG thing happened as the fruit of my poverty. On the day of the lowest of my lows I had a dream about a big conversion. Shortly thereafter I received a call from a young lady whom I had been trying to convert away from pornography and back to the Sacraments for seven years. She had a vision of Satan and the Avenging Angel fighting over her soul. The Avenging Angel told her,
"You have one day left to live. If you do not go back to the Sacraments today, you will be DEAD! Everyone has a certain time to repent, and yours is filled up. This grace is granted to you by the prayers of Rasa. Stay close to her, or you will be lost once more."
She repented, and this girl who had once been a nun returned to the Sacraments after twenty years. But obedience to Satan during all that time (who made her leave the convent, become a prostitute and wind up in the pornography business all her life) had made her mentally ill. She had been in the hospital for paranoid schizophrenia, and now, as she was getting older, reality was growing more dim.
I pleaded with her, but she remained stubborn. She insisted on being friends, though, and I tolerated her. Finally, when she had her conversion she said it was an awakening from SLEEP. She called me on the phone and said,
"I SUDDENLY REALYZED DURING ALL THOSE YEARS HOW EVIL I'D BEEN. I SAW THE EVILS OF PORNOGRAPHY, JUST AS YOU SAID. I SAW HOW SATAN HAD BEEN CONTROLLING ME. I WAS SO EVIL! I WAS SO EVIL!"
It is amazing that during my periods of Light I could do nothing for her! It is in our POVERTY that we have most power with the Lord!
During my black poverty I knew what people feel as cripples or invalids: That total helplessness, that wanting to do something and not being able to. Is there any state worse? It is more of a frustration than depression, yet it swings between both.
I had energy, but not the right kind. It is LOWER energy, not a psychic's energy. It's being an animal again, but learning to be a GOOD animal, to obey even though you don't SEE - to just obey because it is right. Now your will virtues, your discipline are thoroughly tested and I FEEL SORRY for anyone who is weak.
These are the times people give in to the appetites: Eating, drinking, drugs and sex. In the dark night (before the mystical marriage) the pull is to apathy, bitterness and despair. In the Stigmata it's giving into the lower appetites and drives. I experienced all these temptations, but the one I hated the most was lust.
In July, 1983, I got an opportunity to go out of town and preach. Since I was depressed and frustrated, it did me good. I gave twenty eight sermons in San Francisco, on the interior life. The feedback was good. One man changed his life completely, back on the right road. The world, he said, had contaminated his value system, and I reminded him of the Truth. He went back to the job of psychologist. Another man was so impressed he gave me a five hundred dollar donation!
Upon returning from the trip I was restored to normalcy. I took my vow of silence again (wonderful resolution), FORCED myself to stay home and began to write. The subject: Poverty as the Road to Contemplation.
Here is a list of the negative traits I expressd during the fall and the positive after the buildup:
Craving for love, losing dignity and aloofness, confusion caused by mortal sense, insecurity, inferiority, erratic behavior, not self contained, immature, given to emotion, passion and jealousy, cravings for physical things, frustration, lack of ability to pray and enjoy spiritual things. Mind is in a lower place, sunken down in people and thing's and one's physical self.
AFTER RETURNING TO THE
Security, independence, nobility and aloofness, great faith, maturity, mind centered on God, not self, moved by spiritual things, enjoyment of spiritual activities, mind organized, serene, not overly concerned with people and things, mind able to rest in higher truths. Overall happiness.
STRENGTH and PURIFICATION of LOVE are the two biggest changes ofter the build up. It is seen in precisely this effect: Instead of craving the love of creatures, you crave God so much that you are willing to sacrifice union with men for union with God.
I am glad to have the Stigmata behind me and not in front. It was the worst experience of my life. But I know the worse the experience, the BIGGER blessings! I prayed for it not because I wanted pain, but because I wanted to be blessed.
In order to explain the BLESSINGS of the Stigmata I think I need more TIME. The book should be on the subject: "The Second Coming of Christ, Results of the Divine Stigmata."
That is what I believe it is - no longer Christ as a Suffering Servant, but Christ come in His powere and glory, to judge and annihlate the wicked, to reward the good! AND THIS IS THE CHRIST THAT IS IN ME NOW! But as I said, I need to live life longer to describe these miraculous unfoldments.
PREFACE TO THE DIARY
Just before I started working on the Marine's case I had finished a five hundred page manuscript on a popular film star. The work I had done by the grace of God was a feat of mystical science. I was tired but happy, and bracing myself for the rejection that I knew was to come from the star.
On the very next day after the star's book was finished, the Marine reentered my life. When I thought about the opportunity this Marine presented - I visualyzed it as a much easier case and one that would console me by his response. Within days that fallacy would be dispelled.
I knew the Marine from going to his recruting office and speaking for many hours on subjects NOT related to mystical science. I dwelled mostly on women's issues and discrimination against them, the goodness of patriotism and loyalty to our country, the evils in the world today, and the goodness of discipline, military, bodybuilding and other. I spoke of God but did not dwell upon Him to them.
Finally, when the Marine came to my house that fateful September 30, 1982, he saw a person he had never known before. I had emphasized, obviously, my other personalities to him. I was a stronge woman he admired, but now, I was an ascetic totally absorbed in mystical science, practicing poverty, chastity and obedience. He was ready to face the strong woman, but not someone who had already ascended to the next dimension!
Looking back I am sure that within minutes he had felt an interior panic. For now he knew I was psychic and he had secrets to keep. Moreover, his secrets were shameful and embarrassing, and I was a paragon of religious conviction. He saw me and my new lifestyle. He heard of my mental and physical disciplines and was brought to realyze how penetrating my vision was.
HIS GUT LEVEL REACTION TO THIS WAS "RUN" AND "KILL".
This was evidence in the unleashing of demons against me, the first of which - a murderer - visited me the very first night after our meeting.
Little do normal people know about how the science of hidden forces within each individual. We mystics know the unseen forces, their dangers and their glories. Normal people could not guess what happens when you really, truly try to save a soul.
These last two loves - the film star and the Marine, saw the need of my love to be purified. I was drawn to them both for physical reasons. The film star, for his physical beauty which I overcame and made into a ministry - but fell down agan later. The Marine I wanted consolation or a return of love. Had I obeyed my rule - not to have any individuals on earth for clients - this never would have happened. But I was incapable of obeying, my love yet too weak, drawn irresistably to people.
God used them, therefore, to purify my love with their total rejection. Just as God allowed me to live out my last penance prior to the Mystical Marriage in union with Errol Flynn reaching Beatific Vision, sa also he allowed me to live out these penances with earthly men. When this would end we would all be purified, myself included.
I thought I was cleased already, but it is amazing how much dirt is stirred up when the water of the emotions is moved.
I am not contradicting myself. Christ was within me receiving the Stigmata. But Christ was also forcing my lower nature to reveal itself once more in order to cleanse it more thoroughly.
"THE CASE OF THE GAY MARINE"
He finds out for the first time I am psychic and how religious I am. He will react to this violently, but I will be unaware of it. The ministry officialy begins.
On the preceding night I had the first visit from one of his demons - a killer. I am not yet alarmed nor aware of the gravity of this case, since I have never confronted anything like this before.
I speak to Sgt. Baby on the phone today. He cuts me off, promising to call back and never does so. The freezeout begins.
I dream of his life as a book I like. The only thing bad is that there were small black spots on its cover. (Mortal sins.) A second dream indicates his conscience is bothering him and he wants to escape scrutiny.
Blessed Mother, in a reading, shows me the dangers in this ministry and percautions to take. I begin getting alarmed.
A dream shows me that Satan has been looking for just such a man "all over the country," trying to kill me! They will be able to use him because of his "black spots."
Today I start receiving Holy Communion for him and lighting a votive candle for him in Churh daily. I will also be making extra confessions in reparation for him.
A very significant dream shows that for the first time I will get very sick from a ministry.
A second dream shows the Marine's beauty as a Bride of Christ. I see him in a bridal gown - as a beautiful lady - perfectly tailored in neat tan, like the Marine uniform.
We have here the two aspects of the ministry; the frightening and the consoling. Were it not for the consoling visions I have of him in my dreams - he as a bride of Christ, he in the essence of his soul, he as my infant or child - I could never endure the fears.
Our Blessed Mother tells me to do exorcisms twice daily to rid him of his demons. She tells me I am helping him and to continue doing so. Rudolph Valentino, in a reading, tells me the Marine is covered by thoughts of earth and flesh. If it were not so I would have no trouble reaching him. (Manifested thought forms surrounding him.)
Demons from him are threatening me constantly.
HE WILL DIE YOUNG, IN NICARAGUA
This is the worst night of fear I will undergo. God lifts me into a Light which takes me out of myself and resolves me to go on. He will die young, in Nacaragua, of a gunshot wound in the head.
If I do not help him NOW he will be lost at the time of his death.
This vision explains the gravity of my mission and that God is in it. I will not go back.
Thinking of his death, I take a box of candy to a place where he is supposed to pick it up but never does. (I resolve to do this every year in honor of the vision.) I am waiting for the call that never comes.
My Highest says he has steeled himself against me, that he will avoid me at all costs and try to help himself - which he cannot.
My agony begins. Burning pain centers in my heart around 5:30 PM. I exhibit, at the same time, such mental pain that my reasoning power is altered. I have never known in my life such grief and pain from being unable to bestow God's love on someone.
The same pain in the heart area till Holy Communion at the evening Mass. My consciousness has been altered by pain. I am out of myself with pain - in a living Hell. I am aware that I have more power with God in this state of bing crippled than I had in my highest illumination. And so I hang on, not seeking alleviation.
Here is a good place to insert my thoughts on "hell" on earth and the stark difference between a mystic's aloofness and Stigmata love. A mystic's aloofness is one which has no emotion no matter what may happen. This is not to prevent the MIND from functioning on the highest spiritual level which, when disturbed by anything terrestrial, "comes down" from its plane. I was at that state once.
But in the Stigmata it is the opposite. You CARE so much you go through death for what you care about. Here, as I said before, we have two stages of development which both must alternate for the complete person to emerge: The Head and the Heart.
When I went into the Stigmata pain I knew the closest thing to hell on earth. I never once while in it thought of the Dark Night as hell - but the Stigmata was. It is the INTENSITY of the pain that makes it so. In the Dark Night PAIN is not intense because you are "dead," dead to pain as well as to stimulation. They are different kinds of cleansing or torture.
Somewhere around this time my Highest instructs me that it is my sanctified duty to try and get through to the Marine. He will not face me, and I am the only one empowered to help him. He is lost and feeble. I am not afraid of anything he has done - I am willing to pay for his sins, etc. When I call him on the 19th I will finally tell him these things.
In the formal exorcism rite a part of it commands the demons to reveal what they have done. As a result of this it is revealed how the Marine feels when he is being sexually used by a man.
"He was in a bed, and I felt what he felt. He was little, so was I. Someone much bigger was tossing him and squeezing him in this blanket, back and forth, pushing. The feeling was being thrown into the air on this blanket up and down, and pushed, squashed into this tight corner and just squashed in. The child wanted to get away but was helpless."
10/11/82 - Monday
FOR HERPES" DREAM
A series of interesting dreams. In the most exciting I am a young doctor chosen to fink a cure for Herpes. Sgt. Baby's lower self is seen as a "black pig," (inexusable sins of sexuality.) The dangers of the ministry are shown, but finally victory and champagne.
The dream says that this young doctor was "chosen" because of his "life of obedience." "He isn't a medical doctor, but he studies."
10/13/82 - Wednesday
THE BLESSED MOTHER tells me that before tommorow SGT. BABY WILL BE REBORN, and I will experience a State of Contemplation. (A temporary reinfusion of the Gift.)
10/14/82 - Thursday
THE MARINE IS REBORN!
In a revealing dream the Marine turns from a "menacing boy" to a "whimpering little baby." My Uncle (the Highest as punisher or just avenger) has broken his arms. (Later on when I questioned him about this time he said he went through some heavy mental changes.) He has been BROKEN and is SORRY for his sins.
Now the cost of the rebirth is shown. I wll have to make reparation for his sins of sexuality. Therefore, my body chemistry will be changed and I will feel LUST. I must consent to this as these types of punishments are voluntary. (Not only will I feel lust after this but I will have the strange consciousness of being him and wanting men!)
It is interesting to note here concerning rebirth, that it is the awareness of being a sinner that is most important, and then after that, follows sorrow for sin. The dream shows that reality.
His sins ARE PASSED OVER TO ME. It is exactly the same as reparation for those in Purgatory but this is much worse. I have never experienced the hell in this ministry! It proves that expiating for mortal sin is much worse than for souls in Purgatory - who are guilty of no mortal sins.
For a short time - about one day, I will rest in Contemplation. This is my temporary reward, after which it will fade away and I will be in anguish.
I do remember after the Mass, basking in a state of euphoria. I had a feeling of such FAITH and CONFIDENCE in the Marine's release, and JOY in the progress made. After that faded away, once again, uncertainty.
THE MARINE AS MY CHILD
My great joy is reflected in a dream about the Marine being reborn. He appears as my little daughter, who is a twin to me, "wearing identical dresses, blond hair and smiles. She is so DOCILE, totally conformed to me, like my little twin, and so sweet."
My ascended father, who helps me on a lot of cases, is warning me in the next scene there's a lot more work to be done.
My father is dying and leaving his inheritance. My brother is irresponsible and dependant, and Father says,
"You make sure when I am gone that you tack charge. You cannot trust your brother - especially when he has been drinking pink champagne." I say,
"Don't worry, Father, I will."
Symbolically we were all celebrating the Marine's salvation. The little girl I see as the twin symbolyzes the BIRTH or what is within in "seed" from just beginning to grow - just sprouting. If you would have to experience the reality I went through after this dream you would be crushed. Pink champagne must refer to "inebriated by affections," or when he is feeling desires, which in him go the wrong way.
Terrible pain and anxiety about Sgt. Baby now increases.
Terrible night last night. Felt like a vacuum - totally empty, devoid of all Light. I've had this feeling before but have never been able to handle it - feeling a sort of panic. This time I determined to understand it and overcome. I would not seek a way out but accept the emptyness as a Cross from Christ.
As I lay in bed almost asleep I saw what it was. When my senses were almost out I looked inside myself. I saw a BLACKNESS coming over me, like a blanket of death, a hell, and this hell was what I was going to enter into! It was so frightening I got insomnia. Later I did fall asleep and had revealing dreams:
DREAM: MY LEGS CUT OFF
"A girl went through a trying experience. She was lying on her back an a lawn and had no legs, only stumps - but she was smiling and happy.
It happened when she almost got trampled and killed by a horde of black people. They were in a stadium in the bleachers watching a show. But when the show was over they were going to trample her and leave her in a helpless state. She was the only white person there."
"She had to think her way out of it, and doing so, maneuvered herself back into the bleachers and was safe. That's why she was happy. Her upper body was well developed."
This business with the crushing was the DEMONS who attacked me, and it was right over the Heart. Although the extreme pain of the Stigmata, when it first ocurred, had abated, this was another attack and I recall feeling crushing death over me like a physical, violent force. They were trying to "snuff out" my life. Legs represent mystical power and they cut this off.
After the dream my diary recalls that I had prayed the same prayer for the Marine that I had said for Errol Flynn in Purgatory, and this was its culmination:
"Give me anything just so I can pay his debt off as quickly as possible - so he can at least face me and I can start doing the work. I don't care what the suffering is."
AND THE SUFFERING WAS THE WORK - THERE WAS NO OTHER WORK. HE NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO FACE ME!
10/19/82 - Tuesday
I SPEAK WITH THE MARINE
The pain over the weekend has been so awful that I cannot wait to call the Marine and tell him of my love. Conveying my love puts me in an ecstatic trance where I lose the sense of time. When I come out of it I realyze that, once again, he has broken his promise of calling back.
From now on there will be no escuse for his rejection of me. He KNOWS that I love him.
10/20/82 - Wednesday
READING WITH THE BLESSED VIRGIN
Overwhelmed by suffering, I seek guidance from the Heart of The Blessed Mother.
"Mother, what was crushing my heart?"
BVM: "IT WAS THE SATANIC FORCE THROUGHSGT. BABY THAT WAS CRUSHING YOUR HEART."
"Explain how the demonic works through the individual that one is trying to help."
BVM: "EACH SOUL IS A BATTLEGROUND OF SATAN AGAINST GOD. THERE ARE MANY HORDES OF DEMONS TRYING TO CONDUCT A SOUL INTO HELL DURING ITS LIFETIME. THESE DEMONS FIGHT FOR THAT SOUL AND THEY DO BATTLE WITH ANYONE WHO INTERFERES. EACH SOUL YOU BEGIN TO CONDUCT INTO HEAVEN BRINGS UPON YOURSELF SATANIC ATTACKS IN WHATEVER FORM THE DEMONIC EXISTS WITHIN THAT INDIVIDUAL. HIS DEMONS WERE INDOCTRINATING HIM TO DISOBEY YOU; TO LAY WASTE YOUR HEART, IGNORE YOU - TO FEEL VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE TOWARD YOU. ALL THIS YOU FELT AND HEARD WITHIN YOU. BUT YOU HELD ON. IT WAS A TRIUMPH OF LOVE."
"Has it been a triumph?"
BVM: "THERE WILL BE. PART OF YOU HAS WON. YOU HAVE OPENED HIS HEART SOMEWHAT, AS WELL AS HIS MIND. HE IS MORE FREE THAN BEFORE. THINK OF HOW HARD HE RESISTED YOU! THEY MADE HIM IGNORE YOU.
HE GAVE INTO THEM BECAUSE HE WAS WEAK. BUT YOU PERSISTED. YOU WERE STRONG, THEREBY, YOU WEAKENED THEM. YOU WEAKENED THEIR GRASP OR HOLD ON HIM. YOU DISLODGED THEM BY YOUR PERSISTENCE."
"In a way, then, I was fighting with the dark forces of his mind - almost fighting HIM in order to win him! Please explain this from the point of view of a personal battle between two individuals."
BVM: "SATAN USES THE SOUL OF THE INDIVIDUAL TO RESIST THE HEALER. HE WEAKENS THE SOUL BY LODGING, IMPLANTING HIS OWN THOUGHTS, IDEAS AND CONCEPTS IN THE HEAD OF THE PERSON. HE REIGNS THROUGH THE HEAD, MAKING HIMSELF KING WHILE HE CAN. YOU GO TO USURP THAT KINGDOM AND HE FIGHTS THROUGH THE INDIVIDUAL WITHIN WHOM HE IS SEATED. YOU ARE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY HIS THRONE, HIS REIGN. HE TRIES TO HOLD ON. THE INDIVIDUAL EITHER LISTENS TO YOU OR TO SATAN. IT DEPENDS ON HOW STRONGLY SEATED THE SATANIC IS. SOME ARE INGRAINED FOR A LONG TIME, AND THOSE ARE THE MOST DIFFICULT TO DISLODGE.
"THE SOUL USES MANY ARGUMENTS AGAINST ITSELF TO KEEP THE SATANIC WITHIN WHEN IT IS FIRMLY ENTRENCHED. THEN YOU MUST FIGHT A BITTER BATTLE - ALMOST TO THE DEATH. YOU WERE THREATENED WITH DEATH MANY TIMES, BUT YOU WOULD NOT PERMIT THAT TO STOP YOU. YOU WENT AGAINST HUMAN PRUDENCE AND DISLODGED MOST OF WHAT HE HAD IN HIM AGAINST YOU OF VIOLENCE. THERE IS STILL SOMETHING THERE, BUT MOST OF THE DANGER WILL BE GONE BEFORE THE MONTH IS OUT. THEN THE REST WILL COME OUT EASILY AND YOU WILL HAVE NO TROUBLE WITH HIM AS LONG AS YOU FOLLOW THE RULES."
"How does one weaken the hold of the demonic on the mind?"
BVM: "THEY DXIST WITH YOUR PERMISSION - THE PERMISSION OF THE ONE WHO IS HOLDING THEM WITHIN, OR THE PERMISSION OF SOMEONE WHO HAS FORCED THE DEMONIC UPON THEM BY MALEDICTION, CURSING AND THE LIKE.
BUT YOU WITHDREW THIS PERMISSION, FROM WHEREVER IT CAME, EITHER BY HIS OWN REQUEST OR THAT OF OTHERS THRUST UPON HIM. YOU COMMANDED THEM TO LEAVE SO MANY TIMES, THAT HAVING LEFT FREQUENTLY IT TOOK EFFORT FOR THEM TO RETURN. THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT SO EASY. AND SO THE BATTLE IS WON, THROUGH EFFORT, AND BIT BY BIT, NOT SUDDENLY, FOR THESE KINDS OF DEMONS ARE OF LONG DURATION AND IT FREQUENTLY TAKES A LONG TIME TO DISLODGE THEM COMPLETELY."
10/21/82 - Thursday
I GO SEE THE MARINE AT WORK
I bring him the box of candy he never picked up - but as soon as I walk in he is terrified. He refuses to speak to me on the pretext of work.
In a psychic dream before I went I saw his fears on the job and his awe of me, then my own debility and being given an award by the Catholic Church for public relations. I am now on the verge of collapse as hopelessness sets in.
I also have a "union dream" which shows that the Marine and I are united in spiritual love by my receiving Holy Communion for him. Our arms are interlocked and we receive Holy Communion simultaneously.
10/22/82 - Friday
I speak with the Marine again. I conveyed my love but he refuses to respond. Refuses to make any sort of appointment on the pretext of busyness and never returns my calls.
10/23/24/82 - Saturday and Sunday
MENTAL BREAKDOWN PREDICTED
I am weak with suffering. Intense mental pain.
Dream: "I saw myself insane with a dead baby in my arms about six years old, wearing blue speckled pajamas. My head was shaved, looking grey, and there is a grey mental mist around me. My daughter is screaming,
no, Mother, you are insane, you are insane." I am walking like a
Zombie with the baby."
Symbols are; shaved head is loss of mental powers, as hair is rays of Light going in and out of the Head. The daughter represents my FLESH speaking to my intellectual self. The dead baby, of course, is that the relationship with the Marine is over.
10/24/82 - Sunday
From Our Lord talking about the Marine. About his coldness:
"That is satan within him, trying to hold him down. That is why he became violently oppossed to you after the initial transpiration. Sort of like others who have been nice to you at first, but the minute you tried to save their souls, became mean and awkward toward you."
"What is most effective in ridding him of the satanic? Besides exorcism, Holy Communion, Sacraments, confession, prayer and virtue, are there any other tricks to use?"
"Remember it is your WILL oppossed to the will of the satanic, and the strength of your will draws God into him and destroys satan within him - usurps his authority. Do not give up. Keep thinking in your mind HOPEFULLY about Baby's deliverance and wishing with all your mind and heart toward his well being. Do not give authority to the satanic by allowing negative thoughts to be harbored in your brain. Dislodge the satanic by frequent repetition of hopeful thoughts, pleasant thoughts of his deliverance. Do not think of the BAD - the situation he is in, the hopelessness of being addicted to sin, but the power and strength of Almighty God. Keep thinking of God in His Majesty, His strength, His power, His Almighty will, His All-consuming might, power and love, and the nothingness of darkness, error and lies of the satanic, which is already destroyed, already condemned.
Think of how LUCKY he is to have you. If you would not have come along, hopelessness would have been a threat. But now, how can he lose, with you by his side? How can satan stand against you, when you have MY WILL and MY HOLY SPIRIT not only in faith, but as an extra added special gift and by participation in marriage? My daughter, how can you despair when I have chosen you to save souls? This is your job. Who can stand against you - man or beast or evil spirit when you know My Hand, My Power, My Love?"
"Father, I want to know more about his healing, and how to get to talk to him. Before I leave it is only a week, so I can talk to him at least a few times if he lets me. What should I say? He cuts me off so quickly before I get to say anything. Do you think it is a good idea that I reavh him as a lover rather than a cold and hard minister - in other words, "I, a woman, loves you," not "I, a minister, wants to save you from your sins."
"If you weren't saving him, Baby would be real nice to you. If you were having sex with him, he would be relatively nice to you, as long as you weren't saving his soul. It is the soul saving part that brings the opposition. That means he recognizes his soul is being saved. Think of the gladness of that."
"Lord, so it seems that there is hope - lots of hope. Just this morning I had dreamed that Baby was anxious to come to work to see my love again (symbolically). Could you comment on that?"
"You are making a mark on his character by the constant repetition of Sacraments, prayer, good works and your words. What mortal would be insane enough to reject that forever?"
"Lord, how important it is for him to LEARN about the truths of the Catholic Faith and to become a Catholic?"
"If you wish hard enough, he will become a Catholic. Do whatever you can. Don't give up. Give him the books to read when you come back."
"What essentially, is my most important role with Baby? With Tom it was to remind him of eternal truths. Is Baby the same? Is it a combination of liberating him and instilling the disposition for grace?"
"It is the clearing out of cobwebs from his mind, cleaning out the negative while at the same time preparing him for grace and even receiving the grace FOR him which is transmitted to him.
He is a harder case than Tom, yet you have the advantage of working with him in person, where with Tom you had no physical contact.
This ministry could be called the guidance of souls. You are the director, a spiritual director who instructs souls on how to be saved, but you are not a teacher, but rather a guide or an Instrument. A teacher is one who teaches doctrine in class or to students. An instrument brings them grace and a guide shows them the way to grace. Your ministry is much more personal than teaching."
"If you were only a minister trying to save him from his sins, he wouldn't let you. Being a woman gives you an entre into his heart. What minister could call him up week after week and talk to him about Christ? He would simply tell them to shove off in a nice way, saying that he doesn't want to be bothered, that he has his religion and that's it.
My child, besides that, what minister would know his problems? What minister would even guess? Only a psychic would know, perhaps, what is wrong or that he isn't happy. Then that psychic may not have the remedy for his sins. You do. You have both the key to his heart, the knowledge and the remedy for his ills. Why do you think I have chosen you for this sort of work? Why do you think I gave you your gifts?"
"Yes, it is amazing, Lord, how Your gifts have given me an entre into men's lives, not only the gifts of the Spirit which are all-important, but that you have made me good looking, so that with my physical appearence I can get to know men that otherwise would be turned off by a minister. You are letting me use my body and face as a ticket, sometimes, to get in the door.
Now I am truly glad, and I feel more hope about this case. Lord, I felt like I was dying, and you have relieved me. Tell me more kind and hopeful words of Life that I can feel more alive and go on with this case."
"You have nothing to fear. Satan is using your mind to make you think negative thoughts when Baby opposses you. Salvation is at hand. How can your Baby, just a little child in your arms, resist your love? Can he steel himself against you forever? What kind of power does he have that he can hold back your love? You have it made. Nothing can stand between you and him forever.
When he is hardest toward you, the devil is in him. Try not to think of him as a man, but a poor, helpless creature in the jaws of satan, helplessly doing his will. And think of how HARD he is resisting because satan is SCARED of your domination, which is God overtaking him. He fights for his territory, the mind of the individual within whom he is enthroned. He knows he doesn't have long to live, that each exorcism is dislodging his grip on the individual. So he makes one last effort to hold on tenaciously till you break through with the grace that will finally dislodge him forever.
I made a resolution on this call that if the Marine did not respond I would give up. He did not respond. After the call I collapse.
10/26/82 - Tuesday
I GIVE CHRIST A RING!
Totally defeated, pouring out my heart to Our Lord, I noticed a blue light on His betrothal finger. It looked the same as the Light He had given me in our betrothal. Suddenly it dawned upon me that I had, somehow, betrothed Him!
I asked Him to give me the strength not to call the Marine any more until after I return from Hawaii.
My heart is broken and my strength is broken, but God's power is not broken.
THE MYSTICAL HORSE
Today during a nap I saw an image of a "mystical horse," which is one which glides through the darkness to save souls, and has wings. It was an image of my mystical power. The horse was armed for battle, with spikes on its head and around its neck.
It repeatedly charged a wall - but this wall also grew spikes, and finally, after repeated attemps I saw the powerful horse defeated, it's head against the wall, curled down. It was so sad.
Tuesday, wednesday and thursday, the 26th, 27th, 28th -
I am completely exhausted both mentally and physically. Although my behavior does not change, when I look into my eyes in the mirror I look unbalanced. Therefore I keep away from people not wanting anyone to notice this. My strength begins to return the 29th, the fourth day after my collapse.
10/28/82 - Thursday
WITH OUR LORD
"Dear Lord, it is obvious that I have completely broken down. You answered my prayer and gave me strength not to call Baby any more and I am not even tempted. But since that same day - Tuesday - I am thoroughly debilitated and can do no work whatsoever. Please explain this exhaustion to me, what precisely has caused it. Is it my heart and body and physical mind that are exhausted, or is it my soul as well? What precisely caused the breakdown?"
"You are consumed by the need to help this soul. You brushed up against death for him. You denied the validity of satan who told you he would kill you. You overcame fear to reach out in your ministry to him. You dwelt upon him night and day, day and night, suffering the horrors of physical and mental exhaustion day by day. All you got out of this was his stoic refusal to speak to you, to be nice with you and accept your assistance. Still you persevered for three weeks until now - over three weeks since you made contact.
Now you came to the conclusion that it is too much for you to deal with, for no one can reach a soul against its will. He has steeled himself against you. Now it is my turn to deal with him. You have stepped out of the way.
You are resting after battle. You are wounded. Your pride has been hurt - your pride as an Instrument as well as a woman who has given her all both mentally and spiritually to save his soul, and still he has refused you. You need a rest after a hearty battle.
The exhaustion is all around. Your will is tired, your body and mind, both corporal and intellect. He has drained ALL your resources."
"It is satan that has caused him to sin, and satan which made him steel himself against you. But I have told you that I have permitted this as an act of my grace so you both would feel loneliness and pain and then the deliverance from satan will finally be more sweet. Your hearts and minds will be more opened in love and it will be easier for him to recover from his addiction to sin.
The conspiracy was there, but you have overcome it with the help of my grace. It has been no longer a conspiracy - the ministry, although satan was instrumental in making life miserable for you while you tried to reach him.
You have been right in ministering to anyone who reveals himself or herself capable of receiving your (which is Our) grace and is worthy of receiving it. He is one of the souls which was disclosed to you as suitable for help - the choice is always of your will, since you have free will. But certainly, it was no mistake, as for instance, continuing helping your spiritual son was a mistake after I told you you were no longer responsible.
The exhaustion you mustn't worry about. It is a temporary thing. You will Overcome, We will help you. It has all been planned to hone you, to tear you down in order to build you up better than before. Relying too much on self is no good. Now you once again will rely more on faith and hope and trust in Us alone, remembering We are all powerful while you alone are dust.
You will undoubtedly try again upon your return from Hawaii and see how he is. If he is ready then, begin. If he is not ready wait a few weeks, call again and begin - do this repeatedly until he is ready if readiness is not forthcoming. There will be no harm in trying - and just the fact that you call him will help. He will know that SOMEONE CARES and not only anyone, but you in particular.
"Lord, it seems that my ministry has changed. I wanted to keep helping souls in Purgatory, but you wouldn't give me any, and I retreated from the mystical state. I am recording much more of the earth plane now, although my understanding has increased immeasurably. What is the cause of the change? Is this what you want that I help living people now, one by one? Do you want me to guide certain souls, like this one, and others who want to submit to my guidance?"
"You are not recording the earth plane but the eternal in essence, but you are more connected to the earth plane than you were before. When you served souls in Purgatory the earth plane retreated completely so you could do the work.
Certain souls will be given to you and you will make the choice whether you want to serve them or not. You had a choice with Errol Flynn, and you took him. The same with these two men you have now, and others in the future. You cannot fail with the souls we give you once it is disclosed they are good, as long as you persist. It is only a matter of time and more or less grievance."
"Of all the things I have said to him or done with him so far, which has been the most important in making him come my way?"
"Your persistence and dauntless courage. He has noticed that in the face of danger you do not back off, that you try and try again. The danger of having your heart broken."
"What does he think of my action in comparison with other women? Has another woman persisted with him so long with such hostility from him?"
"He never had to be hostile with other women because none of them has succeeded in saving his soul, or even tried to. So what he has done is simply ignored them when he wanted to get rid of them, and they do not persist. He is amazed that in spite of the fact that he has ignored you and given you to command to cease and desist indirectly you have not. Therefore, he sees that this is a battle of the wills and that yours is stronger and you are not a woman he can tell where to go."
"To what does he attribute this persistence, and how does he understand my love. Why does he suppose I love him?"
"He supposes that by nature you are strong, and when you want something, you try and get it and don't give up. He knows that you are of God, therefore, your love has something to do with God. He does not know how much you know about him and how you are commanded by God to save souls and him in particular, and how all these things put together move you to work on his soul."
"Do you think he will obey me? Will he be able to do things such as going to bed early, staying away from evil people, loud raucus music and things like that? Will he even try? Which of what I tell him to do will he do?"
"You will stir him up in the right direction. You will get him thinking that he ought to do what's right and that there is someone who really cares about him.
When he begins to record love toward you, that will be his motive in obeying."
PREDICTION THAT I WILL DO
I have a dream which tells the following: My Highest has trouble reaching my lower self while my lower self is in this state of purgation. But my men friends in heaven - the souls I helped to ascend, are helping me as a contingent. They are giving me spiritual thoughts.
To console me, I also have a very pleasant psychic dream about my future happiness. (Which unfortunately, I cannot decipher at the time.)
11/3/82 - Wednesday
The Holy Father and I were doing things, working together very busily, but I do not recall what we were doing.
Later on he retired to my spare bedroom. I didn't want to intrude on his privacy, but finally, with a burst, I pushed open the bedroom door to look in on him, see how he was and if he was in need of anything.
Our Holy Father was sitting fast asleep on top of my suitcases, covered with blankets and with papers and books in his lap. I thought he is so busy, he doesn't even have time to lie down, but falls asleep working!
He is sitting on top of the yellow velvet blanket I have on my suitcases and has around him also an Irish tartan blanket in beige and grey.
I asked him if he needed anything, as it was chilly and damp. He was very calm and peaceful, and said softly,
"You may close the window." He also said,
"I have been DREAMING ABOUT YOU."
I went to the window, feeling embarrassed in his presence, and while getting ready to close the window said,
I dream about you I see you removing the sword from my heart."
11/4/82 to 11/11/82 - Thursday to Thursday
TRIP TO HAWAII
I deliver the film star's book to his studio. There is no response from him although he has the book.
Throughout the time of this trip I am in a numb trance caused by pain and exhaustion. My intellectual faculties are gone, I am just surviving. The star's lack of response does not hurt me like the Marine's did because his is understandable, plus, there is no malice in his heart. I knew psychically how the trip would come out but I also knew that I had to go for some reason. There will be a response from him in January, 1984, on my second trip to Hawaii and it will make up for the first.
After this trip I no longer am obsessed with the Marine. I switched my mind for a while to Our Holy Father, deciding to write a mystical book on the Pope. (This book will be interrupted by the visit of a relative.)
For the most part of November and December of this year I am obsessed with the Blessed Sacrament, for there, in front of the Sacrament and receiving it is my only true consolation. I identify with Our Lord in His blackest poverty. I spend several hours in Its Presence through these months and receive It from one to four, five times daily. Sometimes I get dizzy from the Light I receive from It, but it always passes away to leave me in my own darkness. What pain, what desolation, such as I have never know, not even in the Dark Night! Surely, no one could live through this unless one were much advanced in love.
11/21/82 - Sunday
JOHN PAUL II SPEAKS TO ME
Diary in late October: "If the Stigmata is any worse than this, I better stop praying because I will die."
Some thoughts from Our Holy Father mentally:
are USED TO the pain. It doesn't go away - you just get accustomed to
"He was taking of your substance, your body and blood, and giving you nothing in return. You collapsed because you wanted to help him, but he did not want you to help him, but by his WILL he wanted to use you. The ENERGY he received from you he only used to commit more sins!
He will be punished. He will suffer greatly for his MALICE and HATRED toward you. What he did to you - killing you - will be done to him."
HOLY FATHER'S ADVISE (by telepathy)
"You must remember that Satan does not care HOW he hurts you just so he does so, whatever way he can. He uses people because people are so easy to use, because all people who are not grounded in virtue have openings the devil can use.
That means that everyone you come in contact with - in all walks of life, can hurt you if you are not careful. When people talk to you, the devil tries right away to hurt you.
He knows by now he cannot destroy you or hurt you permanently, but his idea is to weaken you so you cannot work, and to destroy or weaken the powers of your mind so you will not be able to use your mind to work.
Don't talk to anybody any more UNLESS YOU HAVE TO. They will all hurt you. I don't want you to open yourself any more.
You want love - to share love. You want to talk about God. I want you to talk about God in your books, and only speak to the souls you have to. Do not carry on long conversations with anyone any more unless you have been told to by the Holy Spirit. This will not happen very often. I want you to save your energy.
To work on a case full time, when you are guided by the Holy Spirit, as you were in the case of Tom and in this case was different. God knew you were headed for the Stigmata because you were PRAYING for it every day, and He used the Marine to facilitate this. That is why your desire was so strong and you WOULD NOT give up no matter what he would do to you. Even the devil had to admit that you were BOLD.
That was DIFFERENT. I want you to be more silent and introspective from now on. Try to do like you did when you were with the souls in Purgatory. Try to keep silent and do not ask questions of people, not even about religion, because they get curious about you. Then the devil steps into the other person, one way or another, to try to hurt you or at least make you TIRED.
I want you to stay ALONE. I do not want you to think about people all the time, but only what you must do to work for souls.
If you talk too much with people, they will drain your mind and you must use your mind to write books. In order to write books you must receive contemplative revelations, and for that your mind must be OPEN and CLEAN. You must PURIFY your mind every time you have a conversation, because people soil your mind with their resistance against the truth - their thoughts and their words.
Therefore, I want you to protect yourself. Protect your mind.
About priests: Stop worrying about priests. You are not a child any more. You are a big girl and don't need guidance. You know what you are doing better than anyone else. To talk to priests only adds confusion. They do not know what you are talking about. They are not well versed as you in mystical theology. It is a waste of time for you to talk to them, because you humble yourself and they think you are STUPID. When you talk about these things they think you are making some of them up and they don't know what to say. Forget about priests as friends or directors, you don't NEED them. You need priests for Sacraments.
I want you to be PATIENT. Open yourself only for work and not for relaxation or conversation. Don't try to convert everyone any more, they will only waste your time. Do your converting through books and through the television screen."
The Holy Father also advised me to put more EMOTION into my prayers.
Since I've been telepathically linked with Our Holy Father I've been sleeping like a log. The same thing happens when I pray ardently to my ascended father, and these are the only two saints that happens with.
12/1/82 AN INPROVEMENT Wednesday
Dream: Explains the affect of my reaching the Marine on his soul. Today I go to his office and leave him a copy of "MOTHER OF THE IMMACULATE HEART." (He is not there - in any case, I would not have wanted to see him again).
The dream shows he was LOCKED INTO ISOLATION. I came to him and made him feel needed, and this MOVED him or stimulated him out of his immovable state.
Telepathic insights from the Pope: The PAIN of the Stigmata is gone, but the EFFECTS are for always. The initial pain was like the initial pain which PIERCES the visible Stigmatists. Such a pain can never be sustained very long.
From my Highest: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A (normal) PSYCHIC AND MYSTIC:
A psychic records on the EARTH PLANE, a mystic records the eternal plane. Being psychic doesn't matter - only the eternal. Focus in on the eternal.
DIARY ON THE STIGMATA, THE CONSCIOUSNESS CHANGE BEING MADE SINCE THE STIGMATA, THE CAUSE OF IT.
From Errol Flynn:
There is a transition of thought, a consciousness breakdown going on in you now.
The person goes through a CHANGE or metamorphosis of thought. During the change there is a LOSS OF IDENTITY similar to an amnesia attack and the person feels confused and disoriented about themselves - WHO they are - WHAT they are - WHAT they must do. This is because NEW BRIDGES are being built, old ones are being disturbed and BROKEN THROUGH.
When the person comes out of it there is a new awakening, profound peace, like the quiet after a storm.
The person should be as passive/contemplative/quiet as possible during these storms. These are NIGHTS for the cessation of activity.
New THOUGHTS are streaming in.
Old thoughts are being dismantled or disassembled.
If you try to work, what mental equipment do you work with? Wait - wait till your mind clears up and you feel PEACE.
In that peace you will know what you must do. Now you don't so WAIT.
12/6/82 - Monday
I CALL THE MARINE TODAY AND HAVE A PSYCHIC DREAM ABOUT THE FUTURE WHEN I WON'T WANT HIM.
Today I called the Marine and hinted to him I knew he was gay.
Earlier I had a psychic dream which said he will move - will want me to call him where he is, but I will find him unattractive. (This will happen ten months later.) In the dream I say:
"Who is this guy, anyway? He's only a hot dog saleman at a stand!.......I was thinking how unattractive he was...."
PSYCHIC DREAM that shows the Marine is bisexual, that he will terminate his male relationships and accept me as his spiritual mother:
"I see a white dog, like a Malamute, killing off these other dogs that are bothering him. I have the dog in my lap when he turns into a little boy!
He is the most adorable little boy I've ever seen! Nothing can describe his tenderness, sweetness. He is so open and innocent, about two and a half years old. He is very robust, and has a big head with short, soft hair. I am touching his hair, which is flat on his head. (Note: like a Marine's).
As I am embracing him my love increases and I am bringing him more into myself. I notice the man is looking at me and getting increasingly happy because of the way I am treating his little boy (who was a dog) (Note: the man is his Higher Self). He is smiling radiantly. Then the little boy says to me:
"WHEN IS MEALTIME, MOMMY?"
I cannot describe the tenderness with which he says these words. I say, stroking his head,
"MEALTIME IS WHENEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE, DARLING."
Dogs represent sexuality (in this case) and here he is terminating relationships. Wanting "mealtime" is wanting to be nourished or fed - wanting LOVE. It is dreams like these that kept me going in the face of the worst opposition from HIM.
I call him again and what impresses him most is that I prayed for help (on the case) from dead Marines. This morning I had a dream that decipts out conversation word for word, and a dead Marine appears in it, asking if I am a Lithuanian/Indian, "You look like the flame of an Indian."
12/14/82 - Tuesday
HOMOSEXUALITY IS LIKE
I have an incredibly long dream today about the whole case. How the Marine fell, first by committing adultery, then being abandoned by God fell into the worse sin of homosexuality. The horror of homosexuality from God's point of view is depicted. My desire to save the Marine in spite of being "crippled" by the case - seen as insisting on buying a huge, vacated house I cannot afford and will obtain through FAITH.* In the end I see him as Elizabeth Taylor and I have to kidnap him by "typing up" the "enemy" who is holding her captive - very humorous. (The enemy is Satan whom I bind.) The homosexual part was like this:
"Am I seeing what I am seeing? It is a pen for animals, and yet these animals are also huge, crawling insects. But the amazing thing is, that humans are copulating with these animals! I see a man on top of an insect the size of a pig, with many crawly legs, copulating him from the back. One glance revolts me. This is inhuman, and I get the feeling that this is a display area where humans choose the animals they want to copulate with.
But even worse than this is the following: I leave that horrible room and now I see that humans choose from that pen animals they want to eat, and they share those animals with other animals.
In a smaller room than that pen they have taken a pig, completely raw, and sliced it open, with blood and intestines oozing out, and they have it on the floor. There are two pigs - his companions, eating this pig completely raw. I also see a human bending down, eating this pig raw!
They are in their own world and you could call them animal gourmets. If they knew I was watching they would be embarrassed. It is a private world, and they have their own degenerate clique.
When these humans eat the pig raw you see a subhuman spirit entering them. But they look upon themselves as some sort of GOURMETS. One of them even says to add a shot of whiskey to make the pig better!"
I tell him, today, that I had the vision he would die young. Even that does not make him come around to me! He would rather believe I must be wrong than face me!
12/20/82 - Monday
A DREAM SHOWS MY ANGUISH over the "breakup" with the Marine. I am screaming,
"I need him to want to keep living! I don't have the will to go on, to live, without him!"
This dream is the most significant in the book concerning HIS STATE. It shows the STATE of his SOUL as a super large unfurnished EMPTY house. (The emptyness means devoid of grace.) It was high priced (the cost of his sins) and several people were looking at it. (People no doubt who wanted to be part of his life and unwittingly would carry his cross!) Then I see a key woman coming in who is absolutely certain she wants the house - but she cannot afford it! She is in a wheelchair. (This is my state - crippled with pain and exhaustion, but I will PAY for his return to grace by faith alone and by the very state I am in, not by any treasure of Light I already have.)
Then a story unfolds that shows this Marine FELL FROM GRACE for the sin of adultery. Both he and the female were "imprisoned." (In real life he told me about this, and the girl, too, was experiencing severe bad luck in her life.) This often happens that when we commit a serious sin we are abandoned by God and left to our own devices, wherefrom we fall lower. This is exactly what happened to him, for the next scene shows the horrible cases of homosexuality.
In another scene I am musing whether he could be a REPROBATE and therefore it would be useless to try to save him. This is seen as the house being built over an Indian burial ground. But I say no - even if it were built over an Indian burial ground, you are cursed only if you DISRESPECT the Indians - and that isn't so.
Theology of Reparation
You love a soul - you want to be united to that soul in God's love.
But between that soul and God are OBSTACLES.
These obstacles must be BROKEN THROUGH and they can only be broken through with GREAT PAIN. The great pain removes them, burns them out - then you are united to that soul and at one and the same time that soul is united to God.
God USES you as a surrogate Christ (and Mary) to live through the Passion again.
Christ needs to use LIVING PERSONS for reparation as His Passion must continue on eart in order to save us.
The obstacles are the same on earth as in Purgatory - and obstacles that stand between the soul and the Vision of God. Either soul can make reparation - burn through the obstacles that keep two souls apart. In other words - the men I have loved, Errol, Tom and the Marine, I had to BURN through by an act of my will to them although they could not reach me - I had to reach them.
URGES ME TO ESCAPE FROM PEOPLE
Do not think about people - not even those in the future who will read your books.
Think only of God and finding out more TRUTH from God and loving Him more.
You cannot DO your work if you rest your mind in creatures of things - then the TRUTH from God will not be revealed to you, as you have SEPARATED yourself from the truth.
Work on aligning yourself more and more to this infinite truth daily, and in order to do this you must thrust out of your mind more and more all creatures and concepts of earthly things.
The more you interact with creatures IN DESIRE (if not just in the flesh - you might be with them in flesh out of obedience or work and totally away from them in concept, but when you have DESIRE for them you become a part of them) the lower you get, your mind falls lower and lower into things.
The more you release your mind from creatures and things the more you ascend in thought - EXPAND - and draw more of God into you.
This participation in God is all you need for happiness and for POWER to SERVE others.
When you LOSE this participation you have FALLEN and you can no longer SEE. You are no longer HAPPY.
You cannot see God any more and so you do what all earthlings do - begin to long for the love of creatures.
But creatures dissapoint you. They cannot LOVE in truth. They fall short. They are COLD and their love is not eternal.
So all you do is suffer more and more PAIN. You are back to Base I where, seeking the meaning of life, you searched for creatures and things.
Now EMPTY YOURSELF and you will be FREE and once more ASCEND in contemplation and mysticism.
Relearn what you have forgotten - that NOTHING can make you happy but GOD.
The world is DUST.
The love of creatures is WORTHLESS.
Fame is NOTHINGNESS.
What creatures think and feel means NOTHING. Their opinions mean NOTHING. What they think of you means NOTHING.
Do you want creatures of GOD? Empty yourself! Banish all desires!
Think of yourself as NOTHING - as non-existent.
You have PASSED AWAY. You have no more to do with the world because you are DEAD.
How can you - being dead - care about anything going on in the world?
Your only JOB is to LOVE GOD and do whatever He tells you.
You must THINK only of God, nothing of the world. When you think of anything of the world the mind is taken away from God - you have descended from God.
FIGHT constantly to keep your mind on God. This is praying without ceasing. The minute your mind leaves God, you are not receiving grace. You are blocking God out.
The minute you desire anything other than God, you are shutting, blocking God out.
Even if you get the things you want - they will not make you happy. What
matter if you get them or not? They mean NOTHING. Win or lose in WORDLY
terms means nothing. Losing means nothing - you have lost nothing - and
winning means nothing because the world and its things mean nothing.
12/26/82 - Sunday
More on SPIRITUAL POVERTY.
On repairing after my fall: FROM JESUS
Withdraw from all earthly things. There you will find me - in the center of your soul.
I am with you always, but you are not aware of me, because your mind is on earthly things. Earthly things keep you from me. They are the DISTANCE between you and me.
Banish all others from your mind. See me as I am - no longer in things by my presence, but myself, as I am in essence.
Seek me for myself - not for answers to things - This is where you fall short, always seeking me for things - answers to things if not the things themselves.
I want you to want me for myself. Would you rather know the answers to a million questions or to see me as I am?
When you withdraw your mind from things you WILL see me because I will give you the Light.
The more you train yourself to think of me the easier it will be to forget things.
You must be OBLIVIOUS to those around you - as if they did not exist, for remember, you are dead.
Ministry to souls is another matter. I was pleased when you served Tom and the Marine or I would not have given you my grace.
What pleases me is that you cared for them and wanted to distribute my merits upon them. You prayed for them and delivered them from their sins.
What does not please me is when you seek payment or reward from any other source than myself - fame, fortune or recognition for work I have done through you.
You must not WANT it or WORRY about it or THINK about it - but act as if it doesn't matter one way or the other how Tom thinks about you, how the Marine thinks about you - as long as they were saved.
Rejoice at what I have done. Be not DISHEARTENED at what THEY have done of NOT done.
When you tune into me you will receive Infinite Merits. Isn't that enough?
Q. At times when I cannot concentrate on you, can you still us me as an instrument?
How can you be of any use to me when I must use an open vessal - and a soul filled with thoughts of self is not open?
It is ME who does the work - not you. All I asd is for you to be OPEN or EMPTY and TRUST in my goodness.
PRAY - the more you pray, the more you will love me.
Prayer opens the door to my Heart. Prayer lets more of me into you. That way other things will be dispelled.
When you pray think of ME - not the person you are praying for so much. I am the one that must be activated - the other just receives. You do not have to concentrate so much on the other person as you do. That way you put too much of YOURSELF into the other person.
You put your MIND into the other person. Do not do that. That is what hurts and makes it difficult to extricate yourself from the other person.
Your MIND is not yet perfect. Part of your thoughts are carnal. Then - when you connect these carnal thoughts with the other party you are HOOKED. Then these connections must be BROKEN. That is the hard part.
With the Marine, especially, you could not help contamination because you spoke to him so often. With a soul in Purgatory this does not happen. You KNOW what to do and what NOT to do, and you do it.
But with an earthling - the Marine - you had a lot of problems. He did not COOPERATE.
Had he COOPERATED and LISTENED to you with respect, this never would have happened to you. You would have kept ALLOF and maintained a teacher/student relationship.
But his total rejection of you finally triggered an EMOTIONAL response because THAT IS ALL YOU HAD LEFT. He drained all your resources one by one - first spiritual, mental, and then, when all that was gone - he took of your substance, your body and blood. He crucified you.
Now we are putting you back together bit by bit. We are collecting your blood, fallen on the road to Calvary. It will take TIME.
Q. Where is this road?
The road is in the mind. It is the THOUGHTS you sent out to him that were WASTED - that fell, like drops of blood on the ground.
He wasted you and there is nothing you can do about it except say what I said of captors,
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
My captors did not understand what they had done to me, and neither does he have ANY IDEA what he has done to you. He says you have nothing to do with his eternal life.
Think of him as the soldier Longinus, who put the sword into my Heart and water and blood squirted on his face. By this blood he was converted.
When I died, I died for everyone. A lover never seeks revenge. I died for those who tortured me as well as those who loved me.
You can only hope that those for whom you pour out your blood will know LOVE sooner or later - will appreciate your love - and you wait, hoping for that day, even if it is a long time in coming. And you may not even be there when that person, at last, loves you.
Q. How can I be restored?
You must have FAITH in the restoration to grace. FAITH in my mercy that looks down upon you. Know - believe that I will restore you. Hope and believe that I will restore you and it will be done.
Think of the good - how much good happened to the Marine and how much bad would have happened had you not saved him. Rejoice in that.
You must not condemn yourself too much for your faults - knowing that human nature is weak.
Look to the bright side of things - do not feel that your fall is the end of the world, but just a natural part of living experience.
Think of all you have learned. Would you have known so much had you not been through this case? This learning will be valuable experience to save other souls later on.
And think of the LIGHT and MERIT you have gained. This is MOST important.
It is notable that around this time, I explained my intellectual faculties are impaired, yet I am receiving good revelations from my Highest and Christ about my repair. There are no revelations, though, for now, about anything else. All my energy is centered on my own problem and I cannot function on my normal level of recording and writing about ultimate truths. What little strength I have left, ALL of it has to be used to try and pull myself together.
12/30/82 - Thursday
This is the most important dream in the book because it explains precisely what happened to me. Commentary will follow.
THE BURNING CASTLE DREAM
I see a woman and a group of Chinese men who are her associates. One has a real heavy, fat face and a pair of false, long thick, curly eyelashes on. The woman they banish has to pay for something quite serious - but I have no idea what it is. It seems good that they only banish her, and she has a good chance for survival. I see the hot sun blazing down on her, she holding her head down in remorse.
The unusual thing is that this woman's hair turns color three times. I see her with a full hairdo, framing her face, and when they first banish her it turns perfectly white. I see her with her head down, and suffering, like Adam and Eve banished after the Fall, leaving Paradise, or Cain thrown out of the good land after killing Abel. The idea is being thrown out of the society of the good and having to make do on her own out in a sort of wilderness.
Then, her hair turns a light golden brown and she seems happy again, and
after that, it turns red. As she is sent away I hear the command,
The first house she sees is a wooden shack, falling apart, in this valley off the road. The person who lives there must be a pauper. It seems to be Divine Providence that God wanted her to find only someone in such poverty to live with, and the funny thing is, although I never see the inhabitant of that shack, I get the feeling he needs companionship and this woman's presence will help him. I don't see the interior of the shack, either, but whoever is living there has no means of support and no strength either - to gather food, do work and so on; probably very old, feeble, in poor health.
But the girl I see, through her eyes, going into the swamp and assessing all the things that are good to eat. I see her looking at asparagus growing in the swamp, berries, and a lot of other edible foods, so that once she gathers these up, takes them to the shack and boils them, they have a suitable diet. I hear her saying to the companion:
"Maybe we could get a refrigerator - even a little one - so we could keep this food and I wouldn't have to gather every day."
Farther along up the road is a little town, and in this town is a castle. This castle is empty, it seems to me, and I hear someone saying there is no WATER in it.
"No water?" I exclaim, thinking how that devaluates the place, making it practically worthless. After all, you need water for everything, then without water a house is just a shell, no matter how nice it looks. I myself was even thinking of buying it if I could afford it - because it was up for sale - but without water really makes it seem unattractive.
Then I see a incredible fire that starts to go on in the castle. They are stoking the stoves or something. It HAS stoves, and instead of smoke, you see the most incredible billowing orange flames in clouds coming out from the top, and these clouds are billowing over, covering most of the castle. The heat is SEARING.
Then I see a remarkable sight. There are two huge trees in front of the castle - beautiful - which must have been growing for many, many years. Suddenly, I see one of the trees just begin to collapse - the one on the right, until it just topples over, and this is just the HEAT. And then the second one, more directly in front and even more beautiful, also collapses. For some reason, this is totally remarkable. The trees do not burn, just merely MELT and collapse.
At about this point I see that out of the basement, because the heat has finally reached the basement and after first coming out through the top, a group of animals runs out full speed and they are all dogs of light, goldeny colors and one lamb of a pale yellow vanilla color. They run out extremely fast and may also be damaged from the heat, and they all stand there, looking at this remarkable sight, for after the trees collapsed, the entire castle collapsed totally, so there is nothing left on the grounds of this castle, but all totally in a heap. The animals are AMAZED at what has happened, for this was the only home they have known and it is like their whole world collapsing.
I take a look at the grass, growing on a lawn along the left and wonder if it will burn up next, but it doesn't. The castle was one of those with turrets but not overly large, about three stories and the size of a normal mansion. I am thinking I should go attend to those dogs in case they are hurt by the heat.
AFTER THE FIRE
I see the banished young woman after the fire, trying to find companionship in the town - to be a part of something - but she feels totally ostracized. I see her going to this charming outdoor restaurant, not far from where the castle fell, and sitting at one of these little wooden tables outside, real shy and humble, moving her table, thinking no one wants her. It is a European style place, with wooden chairs.
A SECOND DREAM
In another dream of the same day I see the STUPIDITY and FEAR of this man as such:
"I was aware of my brother who was supposed to get an inheritance from me that would help him, but when I go to deliver it to him it seems we are in a dark place and he, out of desperation, puts his hands on my neck to strangle me.
It is an idiotic move on his part, for what I was giving him would help him, and it is one of those deeds that brings upon the doer the exact thing he is afraid of. At the moment he puts his hands on my neck, (I don't see him) I say:
'Jesus, Mary, Joseph, save me,' and wake up."
Then later, while sleeping, heard the strong thoughts, THE MARINE IS BROKEN, and HE IS A QUEEN (and got with that the feeling why this whole thing is so embarrassing to him.)"
Other dreams go into the problems I had with him and his lack of cooperation, but God's Victory in the end. This strangulation dream especially reflects his feeling of fear today when I called him and told him I would bring the BOOK I have been writing about him. He said to send it along, but was shaking with fear. The dream shows his interior disposition. My dream also warned me NOT to deliver him the book:
"Don't give him too much information. Ignore him. Run from him."
men: The Saints and angels who keep me company in the
Eyelashes are SHADES that guard sense images
Hot blazing sun: Chastisement (Sun of justice.)
Hair turns color: Anxiety - especially the WHITE of desperation and the ORANGE of pain. When it turns a light golden brown for a while is when I had relief at the time he was reborn and I basked in Contemplation for one day.
Banished: Removed from the interior state - the mystical trance in which one communicates with Higher Beings.
The Pauper: What I become. It sounds like a soul in Purgatory or on earth whom I also may be helping. (This other soul is probably Honeysuckle Divine, who is saved by this.)
Gathering: The arduous process of gathering Light when one's Light centers have been demolished. Like gleaning.
The swamp: The shallows and wastes of human sense. The sense plane, where all is so DIFFICULT because one must gather Light through the slowest process there is.
The refrigerator: "If only I had some way of storing this Light/energy I gather - but I can't. I must struggle daily for myself and this other soul."
The castle: The fortress of my interior state. (My mansion)
No water: No grace, no Light. Without grace, Light, the largest, greatest edifice (or vessal, or Instrument) is worthless.
Incredible fire: The STIGMATA. Orange flames are the flames of love/pain.
Two huge trees: Jesus and Mary, in whose shades I live. When my interior world collapses, I can no longer perceive Them.
The basement, My EXTRASENSORY abilities, which include the golden dogs Christ consciousness. Golden dogs stand for and the Lamb: highest Lights from the Crown Center.
Extrasensory abilities function on the interior plane, and when this plane
collapses their whole world is
AFTER THE FIRE
Was my state of ostracism, or the feeling of it. No longer living in the mystical state, I tried to exist in the outer world but felt alienated. Trying to function on a plane of communicating with people in my little treks of going out to eat and small social functions, I feel totally out of it - and I AM totally out of it because it's not my world any more. I am banished from my REAL world - the interior state. Wooden chairs - any kind of wood - invariably represent the state of crucifixion, pain and helplessness.
From there symbols, I think anyone can gain the message of the dream. Some days later, I got some additional insights from Our Lord in a reading, and they follow here:
God cannot live in Hell.
Where hell is - God is not. What you had to go through was hell.
You could no longer function on the interior plane. You saw God in Hispresence in things, no longer by participation. It was a loss in vision.
Your hell - MOST of ALL - was the absence of God.
When people go to hell their GREATEST LOSS is the loss of God and this is called the PAIN OF LOSS.
Then there is the PAIN OF SENSE. The pain of sense was the burning in your heart. That was your soul that was burning, burning with the DESIRE for love but that love was not assuaged.
All your senses - your emotions - were affected. It was a kind of pain that seeped over into everything.
Your mystical life collapsed - the castle - your relationship with Jesus and Mary, the trees.
God was OUTSIDE you now - the lamb. So were your senses OUTSIDE - not inside of interior. That's why you suffered so much. You could only glean now from the sense plane.
Through your PAIN you gathered LIGHT for the Marine and for yourself. You could not feel that light when you were on the sense plane.
Now that you have entered into yourself you will enter into that light. Now you will have more of God - more joy - more hope - more faith and most of all - CHARITY.
Whenever you feel JOY know that you are entering back into yourself.
Joy is the possession of God.
Grief the dispossession or knowing one does not have God - does not have love. Grief is a longing for - joy is having.
Joy is synonymous with God.
Grief is synonymous with loss.
A mortal cannot have the feeling of one and the other at the same time.
Enter INTO the JOY of the Lord shows that joy is WITHIN, not without.
NOTE TO MYSELF:
Keep thinking of the PINPOINT of God where there is NOTHINGNESS but God - all THINGS are around Him but in Him there is NOTHING but HIM and you must not THINK of any of those things that are around Him but only HIM. Do not DESCEND FROM or LEAVE HIM - work on this DAILY. Within HIM is ALL, including all you want to KNOW.
The cross of the Marine is lifted - you just feel pain when you think of him and REMEMBER the pain.
You send them too many of your thoughts. You fix your consciousness on them. You hold them within the grasp of your mind.
But the danger lies in dealing with MORTALS, when your thoughts become CARNAL. Then they DRAIN you. They take your body and blood - your sudstance.
Your carnal thoughts - your EMOTIONS - are part of your physical self. When you USE those emotions for someone or when someone elicits those emotions out of you - you become drained.
Consider how using one's emotions over a long period of time is exhausting.
When you STRAIN yourself to help a person on earth and they won't give in - it is exhausting. And when you THINK of that person day and night and all they return to you are negative thoughts - while LIVING in your light - your presence - THAT is also exhausting.
You used more of your MIND on Tom. Your mind was together for him. The Marine BROKE you apart.
You will get more CREDIT for what you did with the Marine because you suffered more with him.
He felt an OVERWHELMING FORCE emanating from you - that's why he could not face you. He feared coming face to face with the one he crucified.
There is NOTHING that brings you closer to me than when you suffer for LOVE.
You PARTICIPATED in the release of Verna and your father by seeing part
of the Beatific Vision.
The idea is from now on to do the work you did as with the Marine - not with less love or intensity - but more scientifically and spiritually. You suffered greatly and will be given credit for that, but that was because you didn't know how to prevent the suffering. But you can achieve the same results with less suffering by staying more ALOOF.
Now next time, stay more aloof, more spiritual, more pure and look at ME. Concentrate of ME, not the person so much and you will win more easily.
12/29/82 - Wednesday
LAST ENCOUNTER WITH THE MARINE
After calling him Monday and telling him I would bring him a copy of THIS DIARY the following dream shows what transpired in him and me. Excerpts from the dream:
"Boy, is he sick. I think he just ate some ex-lax and seems all shaky because of the book. He keeps taking white pills and drinking water.
His face is black, and various shades of dark brown and black and blue skin. He is looking right in my face, smiling with fear. He asks,
'How do I look in the book?' I say, 'Like my lover.'
I am not anxious, but he is falling apart. He asks about whether he looks like a retard or a criminal in the book - a frightening mirror image of himself. He starts kissing me, which I find unpleasant. He wants reassurance from me and says,
'Give me a good morning kiss,' but I smell his awful breath and fearing his sickness, and also, his kisses are like bites, I am turned off by him. I want to get away. I say to him I will bring the book tommorow and have no intention of ever coming back."
This dream shows that while he was making polite conversation with me, he was being polite OUT OF FEAR OF THE DIARY! I detected this and the whole conversation was revolting. He pretended he wanted the diary and saked me to send it to him - although he obviously feared it. I was going to give him the diary, but decided not to.
After this I basically drop the case. I find relief by making a tour of the Marine recruiting offices, which goes on for about a month. I meet many men and talking to them, learning about their problems and disciplines relieves my pain and frustration.
I speak briefly with Sgt. Baby again, but not with the same feeling, since now I have another outlet. He even calls me one day because of the prayers of my sister! That was quite a miracle and shows the effect of someone else's prayers when you ask for them.
To top it all off, one day Sgt. Baby thinks I should come to their office and entertain the men with my beauty! I am still so anxious to see him, I decide to do it and make plans. But a psychic friend of mine has a vision of him, and me - and my future happiness - among which he is not included. She says now awful he is, how low, "lower than average and doesn't want to lift himself," and she says that it is God's will that I CENTER MYSELF AND GO WITHIN. That does it. I call Sgt. Baby on March 30,1983 tell him point blank I am not "in love" with him any more (that's the only terminology he would understand) and that I will not show myself to the men unless they pay me. He says he doesn't care then - to forget it. And that is the end.
THE MINISTRY IS OVER
9/30/83 - Friday
He is lonely. He misses my attentions, which gave his ego "the greatest boost of his life." Now he has been stationed far away, and the isolation is bothering him. Anything from me will help - a letter or phone call.
I no longer see him through the rose colored glasses of love. I see him as he is - not the idealyzed self or potential he could be - but the mean, ignorant wimp (not in physical mannerisms but in character) that he is in reality.
I humor him because I see the low intellectual level that he is on. Nothing that I have ever said to him, explaining my position, has penetrated. He thought I was in love with him and wanted to have sex with him - but he was overwhelmed by my sexuality. He looked upon me as a celebrity - a sex symbol - and couldn't deal with the idea. He says he knew I know all there is to know about sex!
Seeing the intense lowness of this man does not really aggravate me, because I find his turnabout amusing. I tell him I am not well off financially, and can he pay my way there? Yes, he can!
He insists he never was gay* - that was a figment of my imagination. He was just "too busy" to see me, and now knows he should have "banged the hell out of me." He knows I had lust for him!
I patiently tell him, that had he forgotten all the things I said to him and wrote to him about God? And that I was God's Instrument? Yes - lust entered into the picture later, after I was broken in spirit and had regressed to a lower level, but never would I consent to sex as I told him about my chastity. He asks me what kind of love I had, and I once again tell him,
"The kind of love I had for you was a Mother for her son." At this point we are disconnected. He does not call back, neither do I call him, and I have not spoken to him since then.
In spite of that claim, recently I had psychic confirmation that he really
ON THE STIGMATA IN MY DREAMS
July 4, 1982
THE STIGMATA AS A HUGE ORANGE CERAMIC STOVE THAT COMPLETELY CRACKS (The stove is the heart)
"Then I hear something terrible behind me to the left, an awful CRACK and glancing behind me, I see the huge stove has cracked right through the center, zig zagging across.
This is so awful I cannot admit it has happened while I am here - because my aunt might think I had something to do with it! (Aunt is punishing superego which went into effect as soon as I prayed for the Stigmata) This is no ordinary stove. My aunt got this one on her travels to Japan, and it is extremely valuable.
The CRACK and my aunt's entrance happened simultaneously."
Jan. 9, 1983
THE STIGMATA AS EATING A HEART
"We are doing research on gay men. We are collecting love notes they have left in bathrooms with their phone numbers. I have several men on my staff and we gleefully collect about seven or eight a day.
But the most amazing one was a guy who left HIS WHOLE HEART as a note of love! Unbelievable, that he could love so much! It reminds me of the little Heart I saw of the Immaculate Heart on a statue - a little, full round red Heart.
Then the next thing you know, I am EATING that heart! My mouth is full and I am chewing on it! My fellow researcher is looking through a microscope at something having to do with that heart. I say to the researcher,
"How can he LIVE without his heart?" The researcher says,
"He DOESN'T really live. He is collapsing every minute and has these things propping him up."
I have never seen anyone look so SICK. Then I see this horrible sight of his collapsing and I see some men holding him up. (Note: These are the men souls I saved from Purgatory who are now ascended. One of my dreams predicted they were keeping watch over me during the Stigmata.) He is fainting. It is awful and at this sight I lose my appetite! Then I want to take the heart I am chewing out of my mouth. But there is a gay man to my left who says,
"Don't spit it out."
I gather from his mind that this is SACRED to them. They revere this gay man putting his heart out. I have the feeling that if I spit it out, he or one of them would have to put it into his mouth and eat it! You can't DISCARD this heart. (Like the Blessed Sacrament.) So I keep it. (Note: This depicts the exchange of consciousness so that I become like a gay man.)
THE STIGMATA AS THE GRAND CANYON I FLY IN
Sept. 21, 1983
"The height is absolutely formidable! I take a good look and want to jump over and fly. Can I make it? I hesitate. But a few moments later I astound everyone when I leap over into the air over the Canyon.
It is a half or even a mile down. We are on a mountain, but it surrounds the canyon. As I jump I begin to fly and people are looking. I do demonstrations for them - I'm mot sure why, except that I'm the only person doing this capable of doing it. It is hard going. I want to show them, as well as myself, that I can penetrate the whole canyon, and I do. But when you go low there is more gravety, it pulls you down. Then it is an extreme effort to go back up, and I do with a lot of work......
I am looking at the canyon, now resting. The front is a formidable black/grey color, but behind it, the orange you usually associate with canyons. Forbidding/dreary outside, bright inside. Great beauty here."
The largeness of the Canyon is the heart breaking wide open - being opened by pain - just as the Grand Canyon was formed by the Colorado River breaking through rock. After it is opened and I fall so low in pain or "gravity," I have trouble getting up or repairing myself - but I do. The forbidding outside but warm and orange inside is the exterior pain or sense pain covering the love inside.
STIGMATA AS A LAKE DUG
October 2, 1983
This is one of the most gratifying dreams on the Stigmata. It shows "the farm" which is always the location of my pains. It shows "I and my father are one" for whatever He does, I have done, what I have done, He has done. This includes all the HARD, backbreaking labor of clearing the woods, tilling the soil, and planting the farm. The dream also shows my writings as HIS writings, and writings as FRUITS.
In one place we have planted a thick, thick growth of flowers over the mound - they are strong, sturdy in autumnal colors of yellow, red and orange. (These are the Stigmata colors - growing over the "mound" which represents burial of the excrutiating pain like death.)
Another part is the main field, which I tell a friend,
"We had to plow and plow and plow over this. If we didn't, it wouldn't have been prepared to grow good things. We had to plow out the bad, make it soft for the good. (This refers to the work done on my soul through pain, which is softening me up for grace and fruitfulness.)
The MOST DIFFICULT was this one field, which,
First my father had to cut down all the trees here. You can't understand how difficult it was, because of the terrific amount of poison ivy here, vines and vines of it and with thorns! This was the most infertile ground on the whole farm!
Then my father dug out the whole thing and made it into a lake! It is clear, with the reflection seeming like gold, the ground underneath an autumnal gold. As we walk along the water is seeping out of the ground, so that I say we'll have to make a bridge here so we don't get our shoes wet."
This hardest soil to work, the most poison and thorns, is the Heart Center, which God has dug out for me and made into a golden pool, brimming over with the water of grace. GOLD is the gold of true, perfect love of the Light of compassion. The poison ivy and thorns are sins and faults that had to be expiated through PAIN - so the hard, HARD work. And the autumnal flowers that I first see on this (very large, like a little field) mound before the lake are STRONG flowers, which shows the STRENGTH of the Heart after it is cultivated.
The dream shows the other Chakras were affected; the ones of the Mind. That is the most fertile field - the main one, because there are all the Mind Centers here, the Pineal, Pituitary and Crown Center with its nearly 1000 transmitters. All the BAD had to be removed from these centers also through pain, hard work, seen as PLOWING.
Oct. 10, 1983
THAT SHOWS GOD
One of the most awful repercussions of the Stigmata is that I lost conscious union with God. I mourned this for nearly a year. But this dream shows that God the Father has been with me all the time, since it was His will that i go through the Stigmata! Whenever you are doing the will of God, God is with you whether you feel it or not.
Nov. 15, 1983
GIVE MY BROTHER BLOOD
"I had a brother who was in love with me and wanted to get close to me. He was WEAK and had no ENERGY. He was getting sick. Feeling sorry for him, I took from my body two pints of blood with a hypodermic needle. I put this in a glass jar and gave it to him. I didn't think it was such a heroic thing at the time - just a nice thing to do. I even worried if my blood was good enough. But then we both saw that I was stronger than he was.
I gave my brother the blood. He looked at it and asked me if he should inject himself right away. I said yes, best to use it when it's fresh. Then I leave him and presume he injects himself. I wanted so much to restore him to full life!
Before the dream ended I saw the effects of my blood on him. Instead of worrying, I should have relaxed, because all the benefits were very good. He started to have VISION. All the mental charisms I have as a mystic began to take effect on him. I saw a big headline in a paper with my picture on the left, his on the right, with two hypodermic needles by us and we connected by a wavy tube to illustrate the point,
"MAN BECOMES PSYCHIC FROM TRANSFUSION OF BLOOD FROM A WOMAN."
They used the word "psychic" to designate all the things I have. It's an ambiguous, general term the public understands. Then I say modestly,
"WHEN YOU GIVE BLOOD, IT'S ACTUALLY GOOD FOR THE GIVER. IT STIMULATES THE BLOOD DEVELOPMENT WITHIN YOUR OWN SYSTEM."
(Blood is Light, and this shows how The Stigmata loss of Light is eventually compensated. This dream coiincides with the Marine's recent call. Now he "loves" me.)
Nov. 16, 1983
THE STIGMATA DESTROYS
"I saw the ROOTS of the teeth. They were all real healthy, off white shade bone growing well except for the spots where the teeth had been removed , which were empty, but around them bone. I saw a little spot where the silver pin or screw had gone into the plate, all the way to the bottom, like a nail through a horse's hoof. I was amazed that I could take the pain going all the way through the tooth, but I felt good because the plate wouldn't fall off again. The roots had grown in so well!"
TEETH represent WISDOM, or the higher centers. The ROOTS being shown were like tree roots - dozens of them. These new, grown in roots are new INFUSED Lights. The empty parts are the wasted centers the Stigmata destroyed, but this is all compensated for as shown. The PIN and the PLATE is the "steel" of the Stigmata, which resulted in a new, supernatural heart replacing the old one. So the Stigmata destroys in order to rebuild. This heart is STRONGER (like a nailed in plate) than the natural one.
THE STIGMATA AS A HUGE SCAR ON MY ARM
"My daughter and I were somewhere and there were several people about. She wanted to take a flight up in the air, but you had to be vaccinated against some disease that could happen.
You either have to have it yourself or someone eles has to take it for you. This woman there sort of tricked me into it. She said,
"I want to go up there but I won't take the vaccination. If someone else takes it then I'll go up there with your daughter because the person can't go alone."
The administration of the vaccune is very simple and fast, you hardly feel the pain. It reminds me of when they pierced my ears with a gun contraption - it's a quick sting. I keep thinking of the word Stigmata in relation to this.
But what I didn't think of was the scar you get, and it lasts for life! It is huge, on my right arm. It goes all the way from my elbow to wrist and even has a design. At the end of this design is a green bug, who more or less, causes the wound. He is supposed to hang on to your arm for several days, I think until after the flight, but mine fell off right away, perhaps too soon for their designs. The bug is a big, fat fuzzy bright green beetle.
I am terribly annoyed over this scar and keep thinking whether applying vitamin E would help, yet know it won't. The scar looks like a sword. At the elbow there is a cross, and then widens as it goes down, culminating in the bug, as if the bug, sliding down, caused it."
This dream shows reparatory sufferings - taking pain for someone else who WON'T. It also shows that I - the metaphysical body speaking - will take the pain rather than the flesh, here shown as my daughter. The woman must be my prayers, which "tricked" me.
The BUG must be the Marine. Hanging on to me caused the damage, when the Chakras were debilitated. "They" were the demon no doubt who wanted me damaged even more. But the beetle also means "sacred" as in "sacred beetle" and has the color of abundance. It shows the goodness of the Stigmata in spite of it's bad initial effects. Vaccine also shows IMMUNITY against FUTURE DANGERS - the increased strength of the heart.
STIGMATA AS A ROCK WITH
"I see a remarkable sight. My family is with me. I come to a river, flowing out of FIVE waterfalls, like Angel Falls. They are gentle, like works of art, falling into this river; five different spouts next to each other. I seem to be the only one seeing it, for it is hidden from the regular sight.
There is a STONE with a bloody dry dust over it. A male member of my family goes over to this stone by the side of the river, kisses it reverently, and puts it back down.
Tourists don't go here. It is PAST where they go. It is the wilderness, and there is something dangerous about going so far. It is not mapped out, or unknown territory where you can get lost. This whole thing about the waterfalls, the river, the stone, the wilderness, is very mystical."
This is a symbol of the five wounds of Christ, culminating in the Stigmata as the epicenter of the wounds. The river is GRACE which flows out of these wounds, or their result. "I am the only one seeing it" is I am the only one who knows about my Stigmata besides my spiritual family, one of whom is reverencing it.
The Stigmata as ROCK is Rock of Christ (It shows the strength, the durability of the Christ as the center of life as we know it.) The bloody dust is wounding already received, so it is dried out.
The "tourists don't go here," "wilderness," "dangerous" and "not mapped out," all point to the unknown territory of outreaches of mysticism, of which the Stigmata is one. We know very little about these graces, so each Stigmatist is a pioneer. It's dangerous because you can get lost MENTALLY - lose your path or identity in God if you aren't careful. You can also die from it.