OF A PASTOR
December 26, 2004
I have survived Christmas! (Survived Thanksgiving, too!) Survived emotionally as well as diet wise! (Not gained one ounce!)
They say there are more suicides at Christmas than at any other time of year. That is the statistic that concerns me. I am not focused on the majority that have family and friends to be with, but the minority that are alone. I have prayed strongly for them - for I am one of them. For about two weeks before Christmas I prayed:
"Oh, Lord, help the lonely, the forgotten, the devastated - those who have been pushed out, those who have no one close to them, those who are misunderstood. Help those who are physically, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually poor. Help those who, although they are with family, they have been abused by them. Help those troubled children whose fathers have sex with them, then share gifts under the tree. Help those who are emotionally, mentally, physically abused but are within family. They cannot be happy. Help those who do not have enough money to pay the bills, much less money for gifts. How they struggle to scrape up enough money for small gifts! (I was there once.) Help those who are sick, with devastating illnesses and handicaps. Help those who have severe mental conflicts and pains, and emotional wounds. Help those with inner tortures. Help the poor!"
For myself, I prayed something I never prayed before. (Annually I'd be anxious and concerned about having a good Christmas, thinking people were the key. I also thought having an intimate friend was a requirement for happiness. I struggled to gather folks around me. (I do have friends, but they are all far away and we communicate by phone and e-mail.) I took whoever I could get. At the end, even though people sat at my table and received my gifts, there was no return of love! There was no reciprocity. My Christmases were filled with bodies, but not with souls. People ate and drank and left. I spent some good money on one relative who once loved me (a child) but had forgotten I exist. No cards, not even an e-mail greeting. Over the time of fifteen years in this town, I had at least twenty holidays where I had scores of people at my table, but in the end, when I no longer struggled to fete and feed, love and give, I was left alone. What lesson was I missing? What was the message shouting to me from my experience?)
This year I prayed for myself: "Oh God, give me inner fulfillment. Let me like and love myself so much, that I can be happy alone for Christmas".....I no longer pray for an intimate, physically close friend. (A few times I prayed for a friend, and it didn't work)
I understood I was praying for the wrong things. As I prayed for a "happy" Christmas, I was under the impression that PEOPLE could make me happy! But they could not! (In theory, they could, but they don't. Only people with SPIRITUAL LOVE for me could make me happy, but there were none!)
Finally, I awakened to the lesson. I prayed for happiness itself - for the grace of happiness and fulfillment inside my own skin. THAT WORKED! "Too soon old, too late Shmatt," the Yiddish saying goes.
You can't make family like you, nor your neighbors. You have to forget it! (We are not talking about the poor here. I gave to the poor and to charity!)
And so, my Christmas, for the first time in years, was happy. I felt PEACE. I had done little, and I was not drained. For food, it was the simplest, because of diet and who needs the aggravation? (I am losing two pounds a week.) Christmas Eve it was a smoked salmon sandwich. Christmas Day it was a turkey breast I boiled. Half of this was shared with a neighbor who dropped by with a bottle of wine. He stayed less than an hour, but it made him happy. He already had had a big Christmas dinner with other people, but it is me he is in love with. (But I am not in love with him...There is no shortage of men attracted to me, but this does not fulfill the need of my soul.)
I did ordinary things at Christmas, but what had changed was that I did not long for people, nor reach out to them in desperate need. I was content to just see what God would give me just because He/She loves me! God gave me unusual graces.
I got to speak to a woman I knew only be e-mail. She said she was moving to New York and wanted to help me with my work. It sounded sincere. What is unusual is that no woman has ever offered to help me with my mission! In fact, I get almost no e-mails from women regarding my site. It is a rarity for me to have any kind of rapport or sisterhood with a female - because of them, not me. This young woman turned out to be the most intelligent lady of her age (28) that I had ever spoken to. She spent 21/2 hours of her Christmas Eve sharing with me, till her cell phone battery died. We spoke of female empowerment, Matriarchy, art, what is wrong with women toward themselves and each other, what is wrong with Patriarchy and male attitudes, and personal issues. I felt touched by a special grace because a marvelous woman shared her life with me and wanted to join my work!
I watched TV, and saw some pleasant Christmas things, like choirs, and ballet, and even The Sound of Music which I had never paid attention to before. (The Sound of Music made me angry. The thought of an old baron lusting for a young nun and causing her to quit the convent pissed me off indeed. It dawned on me that the song he sang, called "Edelweis," was about her: "Clean, bright and pure."...yes, she was, but was he? Why didn't he leave her clean, bright, and pure? How selfish of men to ever want the clean, pure virgins. He should have married the woman he was engaged to, and let the pure nun give her life to God. After all, God is far more valuable then Mr. Baron. And what kind of Mother Superior was looking out for her? Didn't she know that sending a young nun to a bachelor would be trouble? I scoped out the reality that must have been there,...older, ugly baron...nun, twenty years younger, cute, sweet, innocent)...
I was happy, all alone, by myself.
As I said, I did speak to people by phone, but it wasn't any sort of desperation. A friend named Mark H., who is celibate like me, goes to daily Mass and prays, called me as usual. Speaking to him is always rewarding. He's the one who shares my aspirations concerning Jesus and Mary.
Another interesting grace was the return of Marcus M. Marcus M. was partially responsible for me starting this site (because he listened to me for 2 1/2 months as I called him to Germany, for untold hours, about my beliefs and aspirations, and shared his own love of Matriarchy), although he dropped out from helping. I had not had contact with him for about eight months. I received an amazing booklet from him called "The Sacred Myths and Rites of the Madrians," with a wonderful picture of a Knight worshipping a maid and handing her a crown. The book is marvelous, and I shall put it onto this site. He sent a handmade Christmas card. I e-mailed him but got no answer. (Spoke to him later and the e-mails weren't working....found out more info. on the Madrian Cult.) There is something great about him sending me this booklet, or contacting me at all, because he had left off helping me, but now was back! That has to be a blessing.
Another change to be made was my overindulgence on the weights. Going to the gym four days a week took four hours on those days out of my life, not to mention the monumental energy. Nice people chit chatted with me, and I'd go shopping after. About sixteen hours a week were spent this way, and before I realized it, my contemplative power was gone. In the past the most I went to the city was once a week. I will cut the gym from four days a week to three and spend all my time in the sauna and pools praying the rosary. If this does not bring back contemplation, I will cut it down to two days a week at the gym and one day weights at home. I want to be in shape but I cannot lose the interior life. In the first diary entry I speak about mystical union. This is more important than anything. I will bring it back and balance things out. After a week of warning dreams, I finally broke through that my mystical life was getting eaten up by the weight training schedule and this was resolved. I cannot sacrifice mystical union with God for getting into shape!
I must add one thing about men and their love in this letter. The love of men is not the love of God. Let them lust, let them desire. Don't make the mistake of taking them seriously. One out of a thousand of them may be sincere. The rest is time wasting and aggravation. I hope you women have the discernment to know who to get rid of. They first want your time, your mind, your heart, and then your body. It's all to possess and control you. Be wary of men!...A litmus test to measure your men: If they demand sex, they are evil. Even those who hang around a long time (like years) hoping to have sex with you, are not worth their salt. Tell them you are celibate, and all the horndogs will go away. Some will not believe you and still hang around, as they believe even though you are celibate, you'll make an exception for them. Get rid of all the sex-demanding men and what you have left are the ones you want. I don't mean gay guys, I mean guys that are willing to be friends without the sex. (Even the guys that were e-mailing me, I discovered, were really after sex. It was a feeling of PRESSURE I finally discerned.) Out of these fine men you will find what you are looking for. This is the voice of experience!
Hope your Christmas went well!