FEBRUARY 14, 2005

William Adolphe Bouguerea

Valentine's Day passed with no favors from God except that of pain. Pain came to me from many directions, like thorns from a bush surrounding me. Pain came from someone close to me, who vibrated hate toward me all day until I gladly left his presence. (All because his pride was hurt... pride is a terrible thing.) Pain came from a difficult project that failed. Pain came by way of a brush off from a person I befriended. I took a chance with a new lady. I spoke to her about a saint who I heard she loved. We chatted twenty minutes. I brought her a tape of the saint. But the next time I saw her, she brushed me off. Someone probably told her about my site or something, that I am not in love with the Catholic Church - she a loyal Catholic. (Wake up Catholics, there's demons in the Church!) This was like a knife through my heart. Then the e-mailers. One I am helping refuses to do anything I say. Asks for help, then when I say what must be done, has a long litany of social engagements and day to day problems. What does a person expect me to do when I pray for them, think of them, dream of them, and speak with them all hours of the night - and then - when I tell them the remedies, refuses to take same. Today I was thinking,

"Fuck them all ..... I will tell them I am not a therapist.... I counsel only people who want union with God..."

But should I trust myself when I'm in pain? Or do I speak and think more honestly now?

Then the crazy e- mails. I thought a religious site would bring religious/spiritual thinkers. Don't bet on it. It's the usual garbage from men: Men wanting dominant women, men wanting to know who the models are, men wanting more pictures, men thinking they can woo me and possess me. (I must admit that about one out of ten writes something decent or merely benign.) The rare women who write it's to argue or criticize, in scarce cases it's business, friends, or asking for counsel. One nasty one I've been dealing with for years surfaced again. On the day of pain, I'd had it. I wrote her one piece which hopefully will end that relationship forever.

Then there was one hope. A new guy I wrote about before sounded good. I thought we could chat once in a while as he is extremely intelligent, and devoted to Mary. But right now, he gives me a list of problems. He can't "help" with my Church or site in any way because of his own day to day scenario. I did not take it well, as it was the final blow. I ranked him out, so to speak. Perhaps what I said was true, but it was in a harsh light, the truth seen in my own pain.

When my mind is in pain like this am I better or worse? Right now I am actually better at facing the dark reality of human beings. One of the most awful facts is that there is no love - perhaps just a faint glimmer or glint of it, within our humanity. Unconditional love? Don't hold your breath. Everybody wants something, be it sex, money, power, advantage, comfort and tangible help. And they want it free if they can get it.

What I have to give - my strongest point and greatest tools - they don't want. They don't want union with God, sainthood, and even worse, mystical union - which demands an even higher price than sainthood. How many write to ask about the Gifts I have - of the Holy Spirit - so they can get them? None. And me - I read books of saints, like St. Gertrude the Great; recited all the prayers daily to plead God for the same Gifts, and I received those Gifts! God has always been extremely generous to those who ask for God's special graces, yet so few ask.

There were also the Gifts of Mary "which no one asks for."

I had no idea what they were, as Brother Gino did not explain. I prayed daily, and Bl. Mary appeared to me, to give me Poverty, Chastity and Obedience. Why does no one ask for these? They want the opposite. I assure you that a multitude of blessings - such as I couldn't myself spell out or spy out - has come to me through these.

I am through being soft and kind to people who need punishment. Yes, punishment cleanses, punishment makes people better.

"Chastise me here, but not in eternity,"

St. Francis said. I also said the same to God.

"Let me pay for all my sins before I die."

Jesus said to me,


Now about love. I have had all kinds of silly boys write me about it, and a couple silly girls, too. In person I also hear silly people speaking of love. Some of these silly persons are up in years, but not in development.

Desire for possession of another person is not love. It is your desire to fill up your heart and senses, not Divine Love. I am not saying it is all bad. Most people are born because of physical love, not Divine!

Divine Love has many manifestations. The one that fools people and people run from is the manifestation of pain. Mother Teresa of Calcutta said to a man that when he was suffering, Jesus was kissing him. The man sarcastically retorted,

"Tell Jesus to stop kissing me."

When you receive sufferings, they may be natural or supernatural, and God often uses natural situations to enhance them or anoint them. How familiar I am with the way God "trapped" me into the Divine Stigmata when I prayed for it, and how God used the natural to burn out my Heart Center to attain this, the most sublime of Gifts.

Love from God is not always a pleasant sensation when we are on earth. It is only in Heaven that we will have the ecstatic sensation of love all the time. Here, Divine Love frequently comes to us as thorns, nails, stripes, as secret wounds, and the spear through the Heart.

This is what God has given me this Valentine's day, and I value it fully and completely. I know that when this terrible hurt is over, I will have a dream of Jesus kissing, holding or touching me in some way, or souls being lifted from Purgatory, or even a soul receiving grace so it does not go to Hell. Pain is value! See the value in this and do not yearn for the sensation of ecstasy. That comes later, and one day, forever.

Happy Love Day!


Rasa Von Werder
February 14, 2005




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