MARCH 19, 2005


My mind is filled with thoughts of how I will get out of where I am at - which is a place of desolation and isolation - and how I will find my destiny. I am here to help humanity. I am here to touch people in darkness and bring them God's light. How am I going to do that? After having this site on the net for almost a year, I am convinced it is not enough. I believe that people need to TOUCH the guru (not necessarily physically but with physical presence) in order to be "made alive." When the guru is dead, you cannot touch her any more, but spiritually. You certainly can't touch Jesus or Mary or Krishna, but spiritually. But when they were alive they interacted with people. They had darshan and satsang (fellowship and discussions) and they walked, talked and ate together. There is something about physical closeness that seems to be necessary in building a Church, a fellowship, a society, a religion. Look at Ramakrishna, who today is represented by the Vedanta Society (Hollywood) and book publishing establishment. He was getting to middle age and he pined for "his boys," the guys he'd have for fellowship; his society. When finally the boys came, it wasn't long before he got throat cancer and died. But he did have enough time to get the right boys (who were all men, mostly fairly young) and inculcate into them his gospel. One was a high school principal who wrote all there is of the gospel of Ramakrishna, and I have all the books. (Of course, I cannot read them because soon after I got all these books, dozens of them, I got floaters and eyestrain that prevent any more small-print reading. I am typing all my articles in 48 bold, my most comfortable type size.) Therefore, before he died, Ramakrishna had the joy of knowing he had a bunch of people well-versed in all that he knew, filled with his shakti, and they were set off to change the world. And change the world they did. They certainly changed me! I was deep into Ramakrishna before I jumped over to Siddha Yoga and it's teachers Muktananda and Nityananda. Ramakrishna gave me more spiritual nourishment, yoga style, than had anyone before him. He was truly a Master.

What am I driving at? I need to do the same thing Ramakrishna did. I need to find people who believe in me, who will follow me, and whom I can fill with the shakti. I need candidates for swamis, writers, missionaries, lecturers, internet workers, etc. I need all these men and women who ARE REALLY INTO GOD AND WHO BELIEVE THEY CAN WORK WITH ME, RECEIVE FROM ME, AND CHANGE THE WORLD! Where are you, my boys and girls? And you could be any age, even in your 90's, and there's still time! God can do anything!




I am getting a lot of letters but they are not exactly swami candidates. What I am getting are fans with sex fantasies, men who want to be dominated with sex fantasies, and men who are somewhat spiritual but still rooted in flesh and material thoughts. The two I had the greatest hope in - Ihnot and Gold - are both struggling with sex. Ihnot has been helping tremendously in getting together ideas for the ashram by way of his searching the internet and sending me stuff. Gold started a Yahoo group for me but has not had time to advertise it. He has had time to work with his site called "Matrifascist," which I told him was not up to snuff, as it has no spiritual center to it. He keeps arguing that it has to be as it is for him, as he can't rise to a higher level. And Ihnot resists the idea of celibacy, which I am suggesting to him. There are a few other guys who are trying to help, whose identities I don't really know, as everyone is hiding behind fake names - but nothing big is coming out of them so far. They are sort of nameless, ambiguous entities who are in love with the Feminine Divine, but sort of floating in outer space with it, not having a place to light down upon.

I guess I just have to wait. Our Bl. Mother told me when I have a thousand a day on the Church site, I will have from that what I need. It is slow in coming, although I must say we went from small numbers a day for many months, then it jumped to two hundred a day a couple months ago and now it's pushing 300 a day on the Church site. It won't be long. Mostly it's in the links. We must get links!




Will I get a big house, and let the main devotees live in it for room and board? And allow visitors who are interested to visit at certain times? (Naturally, I have to have a group of devotees first.)

Should we buy a place where we can expand? A hotel, motel type place? A compound? A house that we can build around or pull trailers in when people come? A place that is expandable for a future ashram/monastery?




My greatest fear is all these lustful men running around wanting attention and all the things men hound women for. Constant flirting. (You see it everywhere...I go to a gym and the few pretty young girls get every hound dog in the place hanging on can you concentrate on training?...the few such girls, you would think the whole world revolves around wonder women hate them...these dirty guys don't talk to anyone else, just the ones they see as candidates for sex...this is lust...this is not spirituality...I fear, will the monastery be like that as we are co-ed, and men and some women, are filled with demons of lust and ego?)

I cannot have this in the ashram. But how will I enforce "no flirting?" Should I post rules that say men cannot address a woman, but only a woman can open a conversation with a male? Would that curb the lustful harassment? Do we have to enforce a celibacy rule? I know that is difficult, and I hate to say this, but I suspect that many of these so-called "celibate" monasteries are really dwelling places for men who like men. We cannot get into the heads and beds of people, but we must have spiritual order. There cannot be lust in an ashram/monastery. You cannot meditate and think of God when people around you are lusting for you, or when you yourself have sex demons. This has to be overcome. What do we do about it? Obviously, people have to start somewhere. They may be struggling against sex, on their way to getting over it, and we have to allow them into the ashram. I think the idea is restraint, respect and modesty.

If a person has thoughts of sex, they must keep it to themselves and in no way tell another person they are lusting for them. If you are lusting for someone, you do not share this feeling with them. You leave them alone, and you do not pretend to be talking about God when you are really wishing for sex. (I have had this done to me thousands of times by men. I'd be preaching and speaking of God and they'd talk to me about God but were really thinking of sex...anything to try and get into a woman's pants.)

There will have to be all kinds of rules. Even if we think of a hundred, as we go along, another two hundred will appear necessary. Then who enforces the rules? What do we do if someone insists on breaking them and keeps coming back? We will have to have some muscle behind our rules, like the bottom line. If a guy keeps harassing women for sex, he can't come back. I used to belong to nudist camps, and they had strict rules about sex! Men were absolutely not allowed to hound women!

What the Ramakrishna type monasteries do, and most Buddhist monasteries do, is they are not co-ed. I was pissed by the fact that the guys kept women devotees from coming and paying their respects when Ramakrishna was dying. The only woman who got through was an actress who dressed as a man. This fascist-type enforcement, as far as I can see, was a homosexual one. It appears that Ramakrishna himself was gay. A few things bring this to mind. He never had sex with his wife, and certainly was not in love with her. But he was madly in love with Vivekananda - to the point that he was having nervous breakdowns when Vivekananda tarried his visits.

Another time Ramakrishna said he was about to honor Lord Krishna (in his mind) by having sex with him the way a woman would - when God knocked him down and made him break his arm. No sex like that with God! No lustful sex!

He also raised flags with me by dressing as Radha, the number one Apostle of other words, Ramakrishna was a spiritual transvestite. OK, we made our point. And then - what about the devotees? According to the history they have left behind of their own holiness and exploits, they were all saints. But were some of these homosexual saints? Is the society today, like many other such societies, homosexual oriented? Certainly one of the monks I spoke to by phone, who filled my book order, seemed to be so. Nothing wrong with that, but let us call a spade a spade. Let us face facts and reality. So you have societies that are supposed to be celibate, but are they?

I am also extremely suspicious of orders, Hindu, Yoga and Buddhist, where monks are given young boys, whom they instruct in all things including CONTINENCE. Really? When I look at statistics, my shackles go up. Again, more homosexual shenanigans?

This is the reality we are faced with. We will not be a homosexual male or female society. We will be co-ed and we will have to control sex. This will not be a club for hedonists, swingers, and the like. No pleasure ground. We will seek spiritual bliss by curbing the human appetites and putting all of ourselves on God.




We are trying to attain God, self-realization, and virtue. We are trying to reach the Valhalla in the heart, soul and mind. We are reaching for Nirvana, peace on earth, in our bodies, and this comes at a price. By working together and being with a leader who has already done that, it makes it easier for the aspirants. Being alone, going it alone, I can assure you, is the most difficult but also most beneficial way. Most people can't do it. I have, but I wouldn't wish it on a dog! But then, I am an Avatar, so I am told. St. Benedict said that finding God in solitude was a greater thing than finding God in a monastery, and I well understand what he meant. The "Father of Western Monasticism" went it alone in a cave. He knew isolation, loneliness and hunger. So have I. My "caves" have been in a city and in the country, but they have been lonely caves.

I ask you to meditate on what I have said and get back to me with your thoughts.


Rasa Von Werder
March 19, 2005




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