MAY 18, 2005
DIFFERENT MOUNTAINS OF ABUSE
I have to be very careful because I am getting on the nerves of people with too many things that I say, no matter how innocently I saw them. If you only knew that I am totally and absolutely one of you and and that what I understand as well as anything else that I understand is that what it feels like to be abused, abandoned, exploited, ridiculued, humiliated, denegrated, marginalized, slandered and misunderstood. I am not here only seeking devotees, I am trying to share understanding, love and friendship. I am a wounded a broken soul from all that people have done to me. It is these kinds of people, you and me, hurt people, that God loves the most and uses the most. Now, I know that whenever I saw anything that sounds authoritative or teaching it makes you mad because it reminds you of the sinner who abused you while supposedly bringing enlightenment.
I remember my father who abandoned me, my mother was a severe abuser and I begged my father to take me to live with him but he didn't love me enough. He knew what was going on but he just abandoned me. Today there's a little clique or cult of veneration concerning my father. One of his studnets, a lady, spends her own money publishing his books on poetry. These books are put into some kind of installation in a museum in Lithauania and she hands them out to hundreds of graduates at Lituanian schools. One of Dad's friends wrote an article about him and saint that my Dad was a saint. This lady who venerates him called me up for an interview on the latest book. All she wanted to hear was myself praising him but I told her the truth. The truth that a friend of mine made me see. My friend George heard my story about my Dad when I used to also idolize him and explained everything to George and George punched me in the head with reality: he said, "your Dad was not a good father at all." From then on I saw the truth and stoped idolizing my father and that set me free from a dellusion. But when I told this lady that my father abandoned me, that he didn't love me, this lady gave me this fictionalized version of his life which he had passed onto her about how dearly he loved me, that I was his most beloved the child he was most concerned about. And he also said to this lady that he stayed with Mom because of the kids for so many years. Every word was a lie. To this day I am still saddly plagued with pain. Over the two people who should have loved me who should have loved me who abused and abandoned me. I ran away from hom at 16 and my whole life up until this very day has been great hardship. The work that I am doing on my site is one of the happiest things I've ever done. In the last few months I have gained five new people who believe in me and are folowing me. But most people are not believing in me and following me. So it's not like I am a big joyful happy minister filled with respectability and praise. I am a target. I am a target for laughter, misunderstanding and verbal arrows.
We live in a cold and evil world. Most of us get the worst tortures wen we are young because in this world everyone is trying to consume to some degree someone else. Everyone is seeking to fill their own needs. I agree with many that the most heinous kind of abuse if when someone in authority who is a minister, a priest an enlightened person, abuses someone; it is the worst torture of all. Serious parental abuse is truly horrible also because when you are a child they represent God. Whenever I speak like I know something everyone gets mad at me. When I speak to you as one of you, the hurt, I seem to be accepted as a friend.
I remember this movie, Born On The Fourth Of July. There was this poor crippled man and everyone around him including his family gave him so much crap about patrioticism, platitudes and he didn't need this. Finally a guy who had been through the same horrors that he had sat doewn with him and just shared all thety had seen. That was the only thing that could relieve some of his suffering. I myself suffer from post-traumatic stress and wen it comes upon me the tiniest little thing makes me scream and I feel like I am in Hell. And no one understands. My webman said to me, "post" mean just that, before, not now. And I said to him, when someone pushes the buttons it is now. You repeat the experiances at present what went on before. I do not know all the answers. I only know that in building this church on the internet, it has given me hope and has helped me to forget the past. I don't want to be in Hell. I want to forget my family, the abusers, the rapes, the slander and all of people's evil and just receive God's love and share it with those who want it from me.
Rasa Von Werder
May 18, 2005