THE PRIVATE THOUGHTS
OF RASA VON WERDER

DIARY OF A PASTOR

December 26, 2004

I have survived Christmas! (Survived Thanksgiving, too!) Survived emotionally as well as diet wise! (Not gained one ounce!)

They say there are more suicides at Christmas than at any other time of year. That is the statistic that concerns me. I am not focused on the majority that have family and friends to be with, but the minority that are alone. I have prayed strongly for them - for I am one of them. For about two weeks before Christmas I prayed:

"Oh, Lord, help the lonely, the forgotten, the devastated - those who have been pushed out, those who have no one close to them, those who are misunderstood. Help those who are physically, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually poor. Help those who, although they are with family, they have been abused by them. Help those troubled children whose fathers have sex with them, then share gifts under the tree. Help those who are emotionally, mentally, physically abused but are within family. They cannot be happy. Help those who do not have enough money to pay the bills, much less money for gifts. How they struggle to scrape up enough money for small gifts! (I was there once.) Help those who are sick, with devastating illnesses and handicaps. Help those who have severe mental conflicts and pains, and emotional wounds. Help those with inner tortures. Help the poor!"

For myself, I prayed something I never prayed before. (Annually I'd be anxious and concerned about having a good Christmas, thinking people were the key. I also thought having an intimate friend was a requirement for happiness. I struggled to gather folks around me. (I do have friends, but they are all far away and we communicate by phone and e-mail.) I took whoever I could get. At the end, even though people sat at my table and received my gifts, there was no return of love! There was no reciprocity. My Christmases were filled with bodies, but not with souls. People ate and drank and left. I spent some good money on one relative who once loved me (a child) but had forgotten I exist. No cards, not even an e-mail greeting. Over the time of fifteen years in this town, I had at least twenty holidays where I had scores of people at my table, but in the end, when I no longer struggled to fete and feed, love and give, I was left alone. What lesson was I missing? What was the message shouting to me from my experience?)

This year I prayed for myself: "Oh God, give me inner fulfillment. Let me like and love myself so much, that I can be happy alone for Christmas".....I no longer pray for an intimate, physically close friend. (A few times I prayed for a friend, and it didn't work)

I understood I was praying for the wrong things. As I prayed for a "happy" Christmas, I was under the impression that PEOPLE could make me happy! But they could not! (In theory, they could, but they don't. Only people with SPIRITUAL LOVE for me could make me happy, but there were none!)

Finally, I awakened to the lesson. I prayed for happiness itself - for the grace of happiness and fulfillment inside my own skin. THAT WORKED! "Too soon old, too late Shmatt," the Yiddish saying goes.

You can't make family like you, nor your neighbors. You have to forget it! (We are not talking about the poor here. I gave to the poor and to charity!)

And so, my Christmas, for the first time in years, was happy. I felt PEACE. I had done little, and I was not drained. For food, it was the simplest, because of diet and who needs the aggravation? (I am losing two pounds a week.) Christmas Eve it was a smoked salmon sandwich. Christmas Day it was a turkey breast I boiled. Half of this was shared with a neighbor who dropped by with a bottle of wine. He stayed less than an hour, but it made him happy. He already had had a big Christmas dinner with other people, but it is me he is in love with. (But I am not in love with him...There is no shortage of men attracted to me, but this does not fulfill the need of my soul.)

I did ordinary things at Christmas, but what had changed was that I did not long for people, nor reach out to them in desperate need. I was content to just see what God would give me just because He/She loves me! God gave me unusual graces.

I got to speak to a woman I knew only be e-mail. She said she was moving to New York and wanted to help me with my work. It sounded sincere. What is unusual is that no woman has ever offered to help me with my mission! In fact, I get almost no e-mails from women regarding my site. It is a rarity for me to have any kind of rapport or sisterhood with a female - because of them, not me. This young woman turned out to be the most intelligent lady of her age (28) that I had ever spoken to. She spent 21/2 hours of her Christmas Eve sharing with me, till her cell phone battery died. We spoke of female empowerment, Matriarchy, art, what is wrong with women toward themselves and each other, what is wrong with Patriarchy and male attitudes, and personal issues. I felt touched by a special grace because a marvelous woman shared her life with me and wanted to join my work!

I watched TV, and saw some pleasant Christmas things, like choirs, and ballet, and even The Sound of Music which I had never paid attention to before. (The Sound of Music made me angry. The thought of an old baron lusting for a young nun and causing her to quit the convent pissed me off indeed. It dawned on me that the song he sang, called "Edelweis," was about her: "Clean, bright and pure."...yes, she was, but was he? Why didn't he leave her clean, bright, and pure? How selfish of men to ever want the clean, pure virgins. He should have married the woman he was engaged to, and let the pure nun give her life to God. After all, God is far more valuable then Mr. Baron. And what kind of Mother Superior was looking out for her? Didn't she know that sending a young nun to a bachelor would be trouble? I scoped out the reality that must have been there,...older, ugly baron...nun, twenty years younger, cute, sweet, innocent)...

I was happy, all alone, by myself.

As I said, I did speak to people by phone, but it wasn't any sort of desperation. A friend named Mark H., who is celibate like me, goes to daily Mass and prays, called me as usual. Speaking to him is always rewarding. He's the one who shares my aspirations concerning Jesus and Mary.

Another interesting grace was the return of Marcus M. Marcus M. was partially responsible for me starting this site (because he listened to me for 2 1/2 months as I called him to Germany, for untold hours, about my beliefs and aspirations, and shared his own love of Matriarchy), although he dropped out from helping. I had not had contact with him for about eight months. I received an amazing booklet from him called "The Sacred Myths and Rites of the Madrians," with a wonderful picture of a Knight worshipping a maid and handing her a crown. The book is marvelous, and I shall put it onto this site. He sent a handmade Christmas card. I e-mailed him but got no answer. (Spoke to him later and the e-mails weren't working....found out more info. on the Madrian Cult.) There is something great about him sending me this booklet, or contacting me at all, because he had left off helping me, but now was back! That has to be a blessing.

Another change to be made was my overindulgence on the weights. Going to the gym four days a week took four hours on those days out of my life, not to mention the monumental energy. Nice people chit chatted with me, and I'd go shopping after. About sixteen hours a week were spent this way, and before I realized it, my contemplative power was gone. In the past the most I went to the city was once a week. I will cut the gym from four days a week to three and spend all my time in the sauna and pools praying the rosary. If this does not bring back contemplation, I will cut it down to two days a week at the gym and one day weights at home. I want to be in shape but I cannot lose the interior life. In the first diary entry I speak about mystical union. This is more important than anything. I will bring it back and balance things out. After a week of warning dreams, I finally broke through that my mystical life was getting eaten up by the weight training schedule and this was resolved. I cannot sacrifice mystical union with God for getting into shape!

I must add one thing about men and their love in this letter. The love of men is not the love of God. Let them lust, let them desire. Don't make the mistake of taking them seriously. One out of a thousand of them may be sincere. The rest is time wasting and aggravation. I hope you women have the discernment to know who to get rid of. They first want your time, your mind, your heart, and then your body. It's all to possess and control you. Be wary of men!...A litmus test to measure your men: If they demand sex, they are evil. Even those who hang around a long time (like years) hoping to have sex with you, are not worth their salt. Tell them you are celibate, and all the horndogs will go away. Some will not believe you and still hang around, as they believe even though you are celibate, you'll make an exception for them. Get rid of all the sex-demanding men and what you have left are the ones you want. I don't mean gay guys, I mean guys that are willing to be friends without the sex. (Even the guys that were e-mailing me, I discovered, were really after sex. It was a feeling of PRESSURE I finally discerned.) Out of these fine men you will find what you are looking for. This is the voice of experience!

RASA VON WERDER SHARES
HER DAILY THOUGHTS

DIARY OF A PASTOR

December 20, 2004

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UNION WITH GOD IN FACT, AND UNION WITH GOD IN CONSCIOUSNESS

There are two aspects of Union with God. One is not so conscious, and the other is conscious in various degrees. To be in union with God IN FACT is to obey God's commandments, to love God and to do good. Such a person may or may not have mystical union. Mystical union has to do with the INNER FACULTIES OR INNER SENSES. Some people seem to be born with these. But being born with these does not mean they are in full operation at all times. There are seasons of illumination, and seasons of darkness. There are variables in these seasons, such as "Indian summer" in the fall, or especially warm or cold days in winter. In the same way, God appears or disappears to our inner senses. To be in union with God in the mystical sense requires more than being good. One needs to actually WORK on communicating with God through centering the faculties on God (concentrating or focusing the mind on God) and by meditation and prayer of a type that shuts out the world and people, and brings God into consciousness. If a person does not have time to do this, or does not want to do this because it is hard work, then there is little chance of a powerful conscious union with God.

The sad truth about mystics is that they are usually people who find little joy in this life, and they have retreated and ascended to THE ONE THING THAT IS NECESSARY. They are the people that were discarded, tossed aside by life, perhaps overlooked, live in poverty of physical, mental or emotional states, the people who suffer the most. (And of those who suffer, that turn to God in their suffering.)

Those who are the happiest in this life (or so it seems) and the busiest, don't seem to have time for mysticism. The family, the friends, the job, the social life, the world and flesh seem to keep them occupied. Is this good or bad? It can be bad. Nobody says you should choose misery because it brings you closer to God, but it seems that in misery we do come closest to Him/Her.

I have been through all states, I suspect; happy with people and life, miserable with people and life. Which was better? During the time of my busiest "happiest" times I learned that the world does not fulfill the soul and people do not have love. That brought me back to God. In my loneliness I learned that God does fulfill me completely, during the times of illumination. After going through much Darkness and much Light, I have come to a place which I believe one must arrive at: the place where you are thoroughly engrossed/immersed with God and cannot be moved - while at the same time reaching out to those in the world and bringing them the LoveGrace God wants you to share. At this point, they cannot drag you down, put you in a shallow or vain place, and they cannot sway you away from God. They might annoy you but they can't destroy you! Now you are an effective minister and you really do represent God. Here is one of the most important secrets I have learned in order to be effective and also happy at the same time: (nobody is asking you to be a martyr now.) Talk with people, communicate, BUT DO NOT WORRY WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU. If you care whether or not they like you, you are fettered or frozen in a shallow place, a place of anxiety. When they need you, talk with them and be a friend. If they forget you, let it go. Do not grieve. Be happy in the little things God gives you or in the miracles God gives you. To be centered in God is to also be centered in yourself spiritually (not by any means in the flesh alone) and to be a whole person, a fulfilled person. This sounds like just words but it isn't. Here I draw on Buddhism: Desire is suffering, give it up and you stop suffering.

If you desire each person you talk with to like you, you will worry about whether or not they do. Forget it. Just talk, be loving and kind, and forget the rest. Be a fountain of love to all (with some reservations, let's not go crazy!) and whatever they say or do - think not of it. Each person is a universe and you can't win them all! Many people think I'm crazy because I talk about Souls in Purgatory, mystical experiences and exorcisms of demons. Some new people I met misunderstood what I was saying and think I am strange, weird and so on, and seem to fear me and avoid me when we are in proximity. I just have to let that go, and be more careful how I word things so they don't get the wrong idea. But if they do think I'm strange, so what? What can they do to me but avoid me? What harm will that do me? I am not for everybody! I refuse to shut myself up in a cloak for fear people will misunderstand me. Am I not the Light (a conduit of God's grace), and the Salt of the Earth? Why hide it under a bushel? I radiate Light, and if the Light is misunderstood, this is temporary. The Light is like seeds that go everywhere, and sooner or later take root. They do not take root in five seconds. It may take a week or even years to germinate. Don't worry. Just radiate Light. Another way of putting it is love everyone. Do good to everyone. If someone is cold and cruel and ignores you, call them. Do not worry what they think of you. Remember the happy nephew and Uncle Scrooge? The happy nephew always blessed Scrooge, and pitied him. (I am not saying this is easy, PRAY for the grace to be like this, because in this grace, YOU will be happy!) Finally, Scrooge came around and joined their festivities, saying,

"Can you forgive an old and foolish man?" (something like that)

I am not sure if I'm big enough to call ALL my "enemies," (By enemies I mean those who it seems SHOULD care for me, but do not...and on another note, it may not be appropriate for one to reach out to all those who hate them...Consider Jesus going to Caiaphas, the High Priest, who intrinsically hated him out of jealousy, and others who hated Jesus because they hated Truth and Love...imagine Jesus approaching them and like some Polyanna, saying, "Hey, friend, how's things going?") But I must not hate them in my mind! (Mary harbored no hate for those who tortured and crucified Jesus...She knew it had to be.) This would cause absolute misery! I will look upon them as Scrooges who need the AWAKENING OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!